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Me and my mother.
Posted 07/18/2013
I'm new here.
A friend recommended this forum. I really don't even know where to start.
I'm 37 and have one older sister.
I'm the mother of an almost 11 year old daughter.
I've been divorced 2 years.
My ex-husband was physically and emotionally abusive and an addict so after the divorce I sought therapy.
It was during talking with my therapist that it hit me that I had married a combination of my parents.
My dad was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and my mother was just depressed and would use my emotions to control me.
It was then that I started developing a sense of self and learning that I could make decisions on my own without my mother's opinion.
Needless to say this has continuously caused issue after issue.
My mother and I have always been very close.
But only as long as I do as she pleases.
The first time I noticed it was after my divorce and I was seeing a guy who lived out of town 3 hours away.
I drove to spend the weekend with him. She tried to come up with a million reasons why I "shouldn't" go and when I did, took to calling my sister and bashing me, posting on the internet about how disrespectful I was being, and then started sending me text messages about how horrible I was and I shouldn't have done this, I was a liar and I was disrespectful to her, etc.
I didn't respond because I was driving and also becuase I had nothing to say.
I'm an adult, I did nothing wrong. However, she and my sister saw that I did becuase they live their lives 1) worrying what other people think and 2) with the "what ifs".
What if you have an accident.
What if this, what if that.
I'm sorry, I want to live my life.
I can't sit around and worry about something that could potentially happen.
This has continued to be an area we just don't discuss.
The latest. My daughter spent some time with me at work yesterday and my mom picked her up from my office.
I told her I was going to run by and see my tattoo guy after work to touch up the one on my shoulder.
She rolled her eyes and said fine.
It took longer than I expected.
She launched into the whole, I'm a horrible mother, I'm disrespectul and irresponsible, that I should be using this time to put effort into my child and my home, not off acting stupid.
That I needed to hurry the hell up or she was driving up there.
Followed by I was being a horrible mother and she was through with me. All done she said.
She has my daughter today and I had to call to tell her something about her.
I told her and she hung up on me.
That is the ENTIRE story.
I have my daughter full time with the exception of 4 overnights a month.
When I am not at work I am with her.
I know I'm a darn good mother.
When I go out with friends she blows me up about how I need to be home.
Basically she is a miserable, unhappy human being and she would be perfectly happy if I followed suit.
I've taken to ignoring her messages and e-mails when she starts this stuff but at this point I am at wits end with her.
She wants to micromanage every detail in my life and I take full responsibility for this.
I've let it happen, now it needs to stop.
I'll take any advice I can get.
<div class="reaction_count_value reaction_count_position0" id="reaction_hug_total_
Posted 07/18/2013
1- stop using her as childcare
2- put her on an indefinite TO.
3-get more therapy.
Consider you this: what your daughter gets out of this is that her mom will allow another person to treat her like an infant. I'm sure you can imagine what this does to her self-esteem that this most delicate time.
Posted 07/18/2013
Find alternate child care. If she isn't baby sitting, she doesn't know you have gone out. Have much less contact with her. Problem solved.
encandescent
Posted 07/18/2013
Find alternate child care, asap. Your daughter is watching your mother emotionally abuse you. It isn't just manipulation, it is abuse, and your daughter is seeing this as 'normal' because you haven't put a stop to it. You have realized your mother is abusive, that is a good thing. Cut your mother off, don't expose your daughter to hdr poison anymore. Who knows what your daughter as heard her say. You may also want to get your daughter a few therapy session
- Working Mother, Wife, and Witch, in no particular order.
Posted 07/18/2013
And to clarify, when I do go out it's during one of the few overnights she has with her father.
Posted 07/18/2013
Ahh! That would make me nuts. Perrrrsonally...I would change my number (or block hers) and make other arrangements for DD. Anyone in your life who says, "oh but she's faaaamily, she's your motherrrrr," needs to stfu.
Posted 07/18/2013
It sounds like your mother has been a bit too involved in your life up to know. A bit controlling and/or manipulating maybe. If you want the relationship to change you have to change how you act- because you can't change other people. You can try talking to her- letting her know you feel that you have maybe let her make decisions for you and be too involved in what your life and it is having a negative impact on your relationship with her. You are both adults- and it's time to stop having a parent/minor child relationship and start having a parent/adult child relationship - which is two adults who respect each other and support each other but don't tell the other how they should live their lives.
What happens next will really depend on her. If she is willing to change the relationship and move forward then you can start bynot telling her every detail of your life or asking her opinion on decisions you need to make and spending less time with her if you spend a lot of time talking to her/seeing her. Take a step back and have a healthier relationship where there is a little space and you each live your lives- but enjoy the time you do spend with each other.
If she refuses to see that the relationship needs to change and refuses to work on things then you will probably need to take some time away from her. Live your life and let some time pass- she will see that you are a capable adult and do not "need" her to tell you what to do. Then- maybe in the future you can start again with a better, healthier relationship.
Posted 07/18/2013
TO your mom and your sister. Seek more therapy. Try to live your life. Don't tell them what you are doing, find new child care. Do you want to subject your LO to what you have gone through?
Posted 07/18/2013
Seriously, no more babysitting.
Break away from your mom. She needs to know way less about your life.
If she starts berating you, you leave or hang up.
You are showing your daughter what a "healthy" relationship is....by role-modeling a terrible mother-daughter relationship in front of her eyes.
Perky Baby May 14I blame the baby child for any missig consonants and vowels.
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