Clueless Script at IMSDb.
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Directed by Amy Heckerling
Alicia Silverstone.........Cher Horowitz
Stacey Dash................Dionne
Brittany Murphy............Tai
Paul Stephen Rudd..........Josh
Donald Adeosun Faison......Murray
Elisa Donovan..............Amber
Breckin Meyer..............Travis
Jeremy Sisto...............Elton
Dan Hedaya.................Mel
Aida Linares...............Lucy
Wallace Shawn..............Mr. Hall
Twink Caplan...............Miss Geist
Justin Walker..............Christian
Sabastian Rashidi..........Paroudasm
Herb Hall..................Principal
Julie Brown................Miss Stoeger
Susan Mohun................Heather
Nicole Bilderback..........Summer
Ron Orbach.................DMV Tester
Sean Holland...............Lawrence
Roger Kabler...............College Guy
Jace Alexander.............Robber
Josh Lozoff................Logan
Carl Gottlieb..............Minister
Joseph D. Reitman..........Student
Anthony Beninati...........Bartender
Micki Duran................Dancer
Gregg Russell..............Dancer
Jermaine Montell...........Dancer
Danielle Eckert............Dancer
Written by
Jane Austen
(novel Emma)
Amy Heckerling
Cinematography by
David Kitay
Production Design by
Steven J. Jordan
Costume Design by
Film Editing by
Debra Chiate
Produced by
Barry M. Berg
(co-producer)
Twink Caplan
(associate)
Robert Lawrence (III)
Scott Rudin
Adam Schroeder
(co-producer)
Other crew
Den Abraham..............set dresser
Barry M. Berg............unit production manager
Alan 'Doc' Friedman......make-up
Richard Graves...........assistant director
Raul Gutierrez...........assistant to Scott Rudin
William Hiney............art director
Lawrence Karman..........camera operator
Mark Kusy................set dresser
James LaBarge............set dresser
Alyson Dee Moore.........foley
James Muro...............steadicam operator
Wendy Murray.............set dresser
Patricia Nedd............foley
Nina Paskowitz...........hair styles
Karyn Rachtman...........music supervisor
Patrick Romano...........stunt co-ordinator
Marcia Ross..............casting
Daniel Silverberg........assistant director
Jeffrey T. Spellman......location manager
Amy Wells................set decorator
Diana Williams...........assistant director
OK, so here it is. The entire script to Clueless
including important actions, songs from the
soundtrack, and my own personal comments.
Just hit the little speaker &next
to the character's name to hear the lines from the movie (They're
not working yet). I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed
writing it. It's amazing the things you pick up when watching a scene 50
times. One thing: this is written by a hopelessly devoted and loyal Alicia
Silverstone fan, so some of the commentary may be biased. But, I figure
if you're reading this then you must have some interest her. Enjoy.
Any suggestions, errors, anything?! Please email
SCENE I - CHER'S HOUSE
&Kids in America& The Muffs
(Heaps of shots of the girls having fun)
So OK, you're probably thinking, &Is this, like
a Noxema commercial, or what?!& But seriously, I actually have a way
normal life for a teenage girl. I mean I get up, I brush my teeth, and
I pick out my school clothes.
&Fashion Girl&
David Bowie
Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds
of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets
paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights
with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter.
Cher, please don't start with the juice again.
Daddy, you need your vitamin C.
Where's my briefcase?
It's been a couple of months now, so I say we go out
to Malibu.
Don't tell me those braindead low-lifes have been
calling again.
They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out
of the office. Dr. Lovitz is coming by to give you a flu shot.
Oh, Josh is in town. He's coming for dinner.
Because he's your step-brother!
But you were hardly even married to his mother and
that was five years ago. Why do I have to see Josh?
(Watch those LIPS!!)
You divorce wives, not children.
Forget it!
SCENE II - CHER'S CAR
&Just a girl& No
Did I show you the loqued-out Jeep Daddy got me? It's
got four wheel drive, dual side airbags and monster sound system. I don't
have a licence yet, but I need something to learn on.
(Cher runs over a potted plant
on the kerb)
Oh, why that came out of nowhere.
(Watch her face when she looks
back at the road)
Here's where Dionne lives. She's my friend because
we both know what it's like to have people be jealous of us.
Girlfriend!
And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion
Dionne and I were both named after great singers of
the past who now do infomercials.
Shopping with Dr. Seuss?
Well, at least I wouldn't skin a Collie to make my
It's Faux.
Hello. That was a stop sign!
I totally paused!
SCENE III - SCHOOL WALKWAY
It's not even eight thirty and Murray is paging me.
He is so possesive.
Tell me about it. This weekend he called me up and
he's all &Where were you today?& and I'm like &I'm at my
Grandmother's house&...
Dionne and her boyfriend, Murray are in this dramatic
relationship. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie just
too many times. Now I have to say to her...
Dee, why do you put up with it? You could do so much
Alright, sh, sh. Here he comes.
&Shoop& Salt n'
Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?
I hate when you call me Woman!
Where you been all weekend? What's up? You been jeepin'
around behind my back?
(Watch Cher closely. It's Classic!)
Jeepin', jeepin'.
No, but speaking of vehicular sex, perhaps you can
explain to me how this cheap K-mart hair extension got into the back seat
of your car.
I don't know where that came from. That looks like
one of your stringy something on others you got up here...
Excuse me. I do not wear polyester hair, OK. Unlike
some people I know, like Shawanna.
Dee, I'm outie.
Why do you gotta go there?
That's it. I've had it with you.
Is it that time of the month again?
(Croud Gasps)
I don't know why Dionne is going out with a high school
boy. They're like dogs. You have to clean them and feed them and they're
just like these nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.
(Random guy puts his arm around
Ooo! Get off of me! Uh, AS IF!
SCENE IV - CLASSROOM DEBATE
Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?
Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro. Cher, two minutes.
So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians
need to come to America. But some people are all &What about the strain
on our resources?& But it's like, when I had this garden party for
my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner.
But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally
buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish
in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more
the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange
some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion,
may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of
(Class breaks into applause)
Thank you very much.
Uh, Amber? Replying?
Mr. Hall, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti
and she's talking about some little party.
Hello?! It was his fiftieth birthday!
Whatever. If she doesn't do the assignment, I can't
Ladies. So, does anyone have any further thoughts
on Cher's oration? Elton? Comments?
Yeah, I can't find my Cranberries CD. I've gotta do
to the Quad before somebody snags it.
I'm afraid I can't permit that. Any further insights?
I had an insight, Mr. Hall.
I'm all ears.
OK, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones
is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really
shouldn't torment my Mom anymore, huh?
Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti,
but tolerance is always a good lesson, even when it comes out of nowhere.
Thank you.
And with that in mind, I'm going to distribute you
report cards. Now, is there a Christian Stobich in this class?
MR. Hall? The buzz on Christian is that his parents
have joint
custody, so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago
and one semester here. I think it is a travesty on the part of the legal
profession.
(Look at Cher's face while speaking!
Ahhh, I can't take it anymore!)
Thank you for that perspective Cher.
(Mr. Hall hands out the report
Now could all conversations please come to a halt.
(Travis jumps up to the window)
And could the suicide attempts please be postponed
till the next period?
(After Cher, the most classic
character in the movie)
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.
I got a C in debate?!
SCENE V - SCHOOL HALLWAY
CHER (on phone)
Did you get your report card?
Yeah, I'm toast. How'd you do?
I totally choked. My father is going to go ballistic
Mr. Hall was way harsh!
(Cher and Dionne meet up in
He gave me a C minus.
Well, he gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.
I'll call ya, OK?
SCENE VI - CHER'S HOUSE
Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way
back to 1972. Wasn't my Mom a betty? She died when I was just a baby. A
fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but
I like to pretend she still watches over me.
Hey, Ma. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?
&Fake Plastic Trees
(Acoustic Version)& Radiohead
Yuk! Uh, the maudlin music of the University station.
Waa, waa, waa.
(Cher enters the kitchen)
Yuh, what is it about college and cry-baby music?
Hey, who's watching the Galleria?
So, the flannel shirt deal. Is that a nod to the crispy
Seattle weather, or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?
JOSH (grabs Cher's tummy)
Oo, wow. You're filling out there.
Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.
I went by Dad's office.
He is not your Dad. Why don't you torture a new family.
Hey, just because my mother marries someone else,
doesn't mean he's my father.
Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.
(They enter the Lounge)
I hope you're not thinking of staying here.
I sure want to.
I'm sure you do.
I've got a place in Westwood, near School.
Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear
girls at N.Y.U. aren't at all particular.
Hahaha, you're funny.
(Josh changes the channel from
Beavis and Butthead to the News)
Hey! God, you just got here and already you're playing
couch Commando!
Hey! In some parts of the Universe, maybe not in Contempo
Casual, but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on
in the world.
Thank you, Josh. I so need lessons from you on how
to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G again?
MEL (From Dining Room)
C'mon you chuckleheads, get in here!
(They move to the Dining Room)
Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than
you did at Easter.
I don't think so.
MEL (to Cher)
Doesn't he look bigger?
His head does.
So, Josh, have you given any thought to our little
discussion about Corporate Law?
Yeah, you know, but I think I'd really like to check
out Environmental Law.
What for? Do you want to have a miserable, frustrating
Oh, Josh will have that no matter what he does.
At least he knows what he's doing. And he's in good
college. I'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.
I have direction.
Yeah, towards the mall.
Which reminds me, where's your report card?
It's not ready yet.
What do you mean, &it's not ready yet?&
Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy.
And I know how you say, &Never accept a first offer&, so I figure
these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.
Very good.
(One of the mobile phones rings,
everyone answers their phone)
Hello? Yeah, Jake, what? NO! Not the afternoon.
(Cher and Josh put their phones
You are such a brown-noser.
Oh, and you are such a superficial space-cadet. What
makes you think you can get teachers to change your grades?
MEL (in background)
I told you I wanted it in the morning! Doesn't he
understand? In the morning.
Only the fact that I've done it every other semester.
SCENE VII - VARIOUS SCHOOL LOCALES
&Shake some action&
I told my P.E. teaher an evil male had broken my heart,
so she raised my C to a B.
I'm so miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't
MISS STOEGER
They're slime, they're slime, I mean they're horrible,
don't feel bad, don't feel bad, I know, and you see they're all like this.
Then I promised Miss Giest I'd start a letter writing
campaign to my congressman about violations of the clean air act.
But Mr. Hall was totally rigid. He said my debates
were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing, AS IF!
I felt impotent and out of control, which I really
hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts
and regain my strength.
SCENE VIII - THE MALL
Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's
remorse or something?
(Watch Cher flick her head)
God, no! Nothing like that. It's just that, we've
been shopping all day and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.
I have tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but
I was brutally rebuffed.
Get over it, OK. He's a miserable little man who wants
to make everyone else miserable too.
Dee, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make
Mr. Hall sublimely happy.
SCENE IX - SCHOOL
Here's the four-one-one on Mr. Hall. He's single,
he's 47, and he earns minor duckets for a thankless job. What that man
needs is a good healthy boinkfest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe
drought in our school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually
married,... oooh Snickers... and in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers,
Ms. Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always
Miss Giest. Something told me not to discount Miss Giest. Well sure, she
has runs in her stockings, and her slip is always showing, and she always
has more lipstick on her teeth than her mouth. God, this woman is screaming
for a make-over. I'm her only hope.
(Cher is writing a note outside
Miss Giest's pidgeon hole)
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May but thy
eternal summer shall not fade. Phat! Did you write that?
Duh, it's like a famous quote.
From where?
Cliff's notes.
(Travis and Miss Giest walk
out of her office toward where Cher and Dionne have split the scene)
MISS GIEST
I know you're going to be better now. Now, you run
along and I'll see you third period and you will try to remember to bring
your textbook.
(Miss Giest reads the note left
by the girls and her face brightens)
Oh, my God! She actually looked happy!
Oooh, classic!
(Scene changes to Mr. Hall's
classroom)
Paroudasm Budapshawn, 16 tardies to work off.
(Paroudasm mutters something
in Farsi and his friends cheer)
Janet Huon, no tardies.
CLASSMATES
Travis Berkenstock, 38 tardies. By far the most tardies
in the class. Congratulations.
(The whole class cheers and
applaudes. Travis approaches the podium)
This is so unexpected, I, uh, I didn't even have a
speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this: Tardiness is not something
you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness.
Uh, I'd like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school,
the L.A. city bus driver for taking a chance on an unknown kid, and, uh,
last but not least, the wonderful crew at McDonalds for spending hours
making those egg McMuffins, without which I might never be tardy.
Well, if Mr. Berkenstock has no political messages
to include in his speech, I'll go on. Cher Horowitz, two tardies.
I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged
(Cher in lawyer mode. Legendary!)
One was last Monday!
Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to
haul ass to the ladies'.
I assume your referring to women's troubles, and so
I'll let that one slide.
Thank you, Mr. Hall. Miss Giest was right about you.
What do you mean?
Well, she said that you were the only one in this
school with any intelligence.
SCENE X - CHER'S HOUSE
Cher, get in here!
Yes, Daddy?
Would you tell me what the hell this is?
Um, a second notice for three outstanding tickets.
I don't remember getting a first notice.
The ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know
you could get tickets without a licence.
Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime.
Oh, is that so?
(Cher nods)
Well not around here you can't. From this moment on,
you will not drive, sit, do anything in that jeep without a supervised
driver present. And no cruisin' around with Dionne, alright? Two permits
do not equal a licence! Do I make myself clear?
Yes, Daddy.
Cher, I expect you to become a good driver. I want
to see you apply yourself.
I will. I'm gonna practise real hard.
(The scene moves to the poolside)
A licenced driver with nothing to do? Where would
I find such a loser?
Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin.
I'm growing a goatee.
Oh, that's good. You don't want to be the last one
at the coffee house without chin pubes.
I can't tell you how much I enjoy these little chats
of ours, but in the interest of saving time, why don't you just tell me
what you want.
OK. So, actually, I have a permit and I can drive
and all, but Daddy says I can't take the jeep out without a licenced driver,
and since your not doing anything and all, you know?
What are the chances of you shutting up until you
get your way?
Hmmm, slim to none. C'mon!
SCENE XI - CHER'S CAR
Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right
side of the road.
I am. You try driving in platforms.
Look, I got to get back to school. Ah, you want to
practise parking?
What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet. What
class you going to?
Actually, I'm going to a tree people meeting. Me might
get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
How fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time from
his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees? Josh, why don't you just
hire a gardener?
You know, maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity
for a good cause, make a contribution. In case you have never heard of
that, a contribution is the giving of...
Excuse me, but I have donated many expensive Italian
outfits to Lucy...
time... funds...
And as soon as I get my licence I fully intend to
brake for animals, and I have contributed many hours helping two lonely
teachers find romance.
Which I'll bet serves your interest more than theirs.
You know, if I ever saw you do something that wasn't ninety percent selfish,
I'd die of shock.
Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.
SCENE XII - SCHOOL
Would you call me selfish?
No. Not to your face.
What's wrong? Is Josh giving you shit because he's
going through his post-adolescent idealistic phase?
Look, there's Mr. Hall.
(The girls run over to Mr. Hall)
Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, Mr. Hall, um, do you drink coffee?
Well, not from this cafeteria. But, uh, yes under
normal circumstances.
Well, I am such a retard. When I was packing Daddy's
lunch this morning I gave him my lemon snapple, and I took his sucky Italian
roast. Do you want it?
Are you sure you don't want it?
Duh, it might stunt my growth. I wanna be 5'10&
like Cindy Crawford. But I thought maybe you and Miss Giest might like
Maybe you can share it?
Well, uh, thanks.
(To Dionne)
(Outside Miss Giest's office,
she opens the door)
CHER & DIONNE
Miss Giest!
MISS GIEST
Hi girls. Did you sign up for the environmental fair?
Oh, yeah, we will.
You have such pretty eyes. Don't hide them. And these
clips are so cute.
And this tiny little waist. Oooh, wow.
MISS GIEST
Girls. Oh, and don't forget to sign up for the environmental
Not a total betty, but a vast improvement.
Well, we did our best.
Mmmm, Hmmm.
We gotta book it if we're going to make it to P.E.
(Scene moves outside)
C'mon, Dee.
Ohh, I feel like failing, dude, c'mon.
I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise.
I feel like such a heffer. I had two bowls of special K, three pieces of
turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, five peanut butter M&M's, and like,
three pieces of licorice.
(Gasp) Oh, my God. Look.
Is that a photo op, or what?
Will you look at that body language? Legs crossed
towards each other. That's an unequivocal sex invite.
Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits. Look at Giest,
she is so cute.
Ohh, old people can be so sweet.
&Change& Lightning
(The following scenes show Miss
Giest and Mr. Hall get it on while everyone is thanking Cher.)
The entire student body was
utterly grateful for the improvement in their grades.
SCENE XIII - CHER'S HOUSE
Cher, what's this all about?
My report card?
The same semester?
What'd you do? Turn in some
extra-credit reports?
You take the mid-terms over?
You mean to tell me that you
argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
Totally based on my powers of
persuasion. You proud?
Honey, I couldn't be happier
than if they were based on real grades.
Thank you.
SCENE XIV - SCHOOL P.E.
&Girls Just Wanna Have
Fun& Robert Hazard
I felt so satisfied, I wanted
to do more good deeds.
(Dionne sneezes)
Dee, when your allergies act
up, take out your nose-ring.
MISS STOEGER
Follow... through! There you
go, there you go. All right, Cher. Earth to Cher! Come in Cher!
Oh. Miss Stoeger? I would just
like to say that physical education in this school is a disgrace. I mean,
standing in line for forty minutes is hardly aerobically effective. I doubt
I've worked off the calories in a stick of care-free gum.
(Class cheers)
MISS STOEGER
Well, you certainly exercised
your mouth Cher. Now, hit the ball.
(Ball flies by, inches from
Cher's nose)
Miss Stoeger, that machine is
just a lawsuit waiting to happen!
MISS STOEGER
Thanks for the legal advice.
(Cher returns to line)
Dionne? You're up.
Uh, no, Miss Stoeger? I have
a note from my tennis instructor, and he would prefer it if I didn't expose
myself to any training that might derail his teachings.
MISS STOEGER
Fine! Amber?
Miss Stoeger. My plastic surgeon
doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose.
Well, there goes your social
(Girls giggle. Principal walks
onto the scene)
Miss Stoeger? Got another one.
Ladies, we have a new student with us. This is Tai Frasier.
MISS STOEGER
Tai, you don't have time to
change, but you could hit a few balls in those clothes.
She could be a farmer in those
Dee, my mission is clear. Would
you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless. We have got to adopt
Cher, she is toe-up. Our stock
would plummet.
Dee, don't you want to use your
popularity for a good cause?
(Motions to Tai)
C'mere. Yeah, c'mere. Hang with
Oh, thank you.
How do you like California?
Man, I am freakin'. I could
really use some sort of a herbal refreshment?
Well, we do lunch in ten minutes.
We don't have any tea, but we have Coke and stuff.
No shit! You guys got Coke here?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, this is America.
(Scene changes to the girls
walking down main path)
&Unknown song and artist&
So, we decided to show Tai the
ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.
That is Alana's group over there.
They do the T.V. station. They think that's the most important thing on
Earth. And that's the Persian mafia. You can't hang with them unless you
own a BMW. And there's Elton in the white vest, and all the most popular
boys in the school.
Including my boyfriend. Ain't
If you make the decision to
date a high school boy, they are the only acceptable ones.
Cher, which one of them is your
boyfriend?
Cher's got attitude about high
school boys.
It's a personal choice every
woman has got to make for herself.
(Murray approaches the girls)
MURRAY (to
Woman, lend me five dollars.
Murray, I have asked you repeatedly
not to call me Woman!
Excuse me, Miss Dionne.
Thank you.
OK, but street slang is an increasingly
valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking,
but not necessarily in a misogynistic undertone.
(Murray hops away)
Wow! You guys talk like grown-ups.
Oh, well, this is a really good
I'm gonna go get a soda. You
guys want?
She's nice.
Oooh, project!
(I can't put that cute little
squeal into words)
(Scene changes to inside cafeteria)
&My Iron Lung&
TRAVIS (To
Oh, wow. That's disgusting.
That's nice representation.
Thanks. Those are really nice
Oh, you like 'em? See, I was
thinking it was too cluttered. You know, I wanna wipe all of this out and
concentrate on one main decorative statement. Like, uh, Marvin the Martian.
Right there.
Get outa town! I can do Marvin
the Martian.
Well, I mean, there's not really
a lot to him. But, you wanna see?
Oh, wow! That's really cool.
You drew that?
Yeah, and wait, I got... one
You didn't trace this?
Uh-uh. No. Here's another one
over here. And, lots of little guys.
That is so cute!
I love to draw.
You're really good at it.
Yeah, really you are.
(Scene changes to outside)
Are you sure that's fat free?
Oh, yes. And you lose wait by
doing it like this. Like really small.
(Dionne giggles/hisses)
It's true.
I met a really cool guy.
Alright, he's got long hair,
he's really funny, and straight off, right? He offers me some smoke. There
Are you talking about drugs?
Tai, how old are you?
I'll be sixteen in May.
My birthday is in April, and
as someone older, can I please give you some advice?
(Tai nods)
It is one thing to spark up
a dubie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all
Do you see the distinction?
Loadies generally hang on the
grassy knoll over there.
&unknown song and artist&
Sometimes they come to class
and say bonehead things, and we all laugh, of course. But no respectable
girl actually dates them.
You don't want to start off
on the wrong foot, do you?????????????
(TAI shakes her head)
I've got an idea. Let's do a
make-over!
(Dionne lights up)
Oh, c'mon! Let us! Cher's main
thrill in life is a make-over. OK, it gives her a sense of control on a
world full of chaos.
Pleeeaaase.
(How could anyone resist that?!)
Sure. Why not? Shit! You guys!
I have never had straight friends before.
SCENE XV - MAKE-OVER AT CHER'S
&Supermodel& Jill
(Various scenes of Cher and
Dionne making over Tai, then Cher and Tai working out in the lounge room)
Squeeze in.
Cher, I don't wanna do this
any more, and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel.
OK, it will get easier, I promise.
Just as long as we do it every day. Not just sporadically.
How do you know if we're doing
it sporadically?
That's another thing, Tai. We've
got to work on your accent and vocabulary. See, sporadic means once in
a while. Try and use it in a sentence today.
OK, from now on we're alternating
Cindy Crawford's &Aerobicise& and &Buns of Steel&,
and reading one non-school book a week. My first book is &Fit or Fat&.
Mine is &Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus&.
Good. Now that takes care of
our minds and bodies, but we should do something good for mankind or the
planet for a couple of hours.
(Josh walks in)
Hey, brainiac.
Uh, the dreaded ex. Tai, this
Nice to meet ya.
Hey! You know about this stuff.
I want to do something good for humanity.
How about sterilization?
(Tai cracks up. Cher and Josh
enter the kitchen)
So, what do ya think?
I'm amazed.
That I'm devoting myself so
generously to someone else?
No, that you've found someone
even more clueless than you are to worship you.
I am rescuing her from teenage
hell. Do you know the wounds from adolescence can take years to heal?
Yeah, and you've never had a
mother so you're acting out on that poor girl as if she was your Barbie
Freshman psych rears it's ugly
Hey, I am not taking psych.
Whatever. I am going to take
that lost soul in there and make her well-dressed and popular. Her life
will be better because of me. How many girls can say that about you?
(Josh and Cher walk back to
the lounge where Tai is watching T.V. and singing along with the &Mentos&
ad. God I hate
those ads!)
Be seein' ya.
Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
SCENE XVI - SCHOOL
Oh, my God. Do you see how boys
are responding? My heart is totally bursting.
I know. I'm kvelling!
(Travis approaches)
Cher, you have Timor, right?
Hey, Tai! Did you get a flyer?
Thanks. Wow, a party!
It's in the Valley. The cops
usually break 'em up in less than an hour, and it takes that long to get
And besides, it's just local
Do you guys think that Travis
is gonna be there?
Tai, I thought we moved on from
Don't sell yourself short now.
You've got something going for you that no one in this school has.
Oh, I'm not a virgin.
I mean mystery. As far as everyone
is concerned you were the most popular girl in your school, and the fact
that you hang with Dee and I, well...
Speaks very highly of you.
If you strike while the iron
is hot, you can have any guy that you want.
Let's see. Who's available?
There's Bronson... I got it! Elton! He just broke up with Collette.
Who's Elton?
Oh, my God. He's way popular.
He's like the social director of the crew.
Yeah, and his Dad can get you
into any concert, and I noticed him scoping you out.
He was looking at me?
He said you gave him a toothache.
How'd I do that?
It's an expression. It means
he thought you were sweet.
Is that true?
Oh, you are so bad.
(Scene moves to fountain where
Cher is taking pictures of the crew)
&Alright& Supergrass
Ok, you guys, all get together.
Oh, that is great. Smile! Tai, Tai, get a little closer. Closer Tai. Good,
great! Hey, Elton, uh, why don't you put your arm around Tai?
(Unwillingly)
Yeah, that's great.
(Check out Cher's little smile
and rock! Awesome!)
OK. Tai, c'mere, c'mere, Tai.
(Scene moves to just Cher and
Tai by bushes)
Hold that.
(Elton approaches.)
Cool picture.
Doesn't she look classic?
Yeah, this is beautiful.
She looks like one of those
Bottichellis chicks.
Hey, why don't you make me a
copy of this, OK?
(Another one of Cher's little
squeals. Classic!)
SCENE XVII - CHER'S HOUSE,
DINING ROOM
Hi Daddy. This is my friend,
Get out of my chair!
(Tai moves to opposite Cher.
Lucy brings in dinner.)
Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.
What is this crap?
Daddy, it's from the &Cut
your Colesterol& cook book. Doctor Lovitz says you've got to get down
to two hundred.
(Cher's pager beeps.)
No calls tonight.
But it's Dionne, it might...
It might be important.
We're going to have a nice family
dinner. So, uh, what'd you do at school today?
Well... I broke in my purple
(Mel's phone rings.)
Yeah, hello? Alright, Jake.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, what?
Dee? Whatup?
So, check it. Murray's geometry
class is right by Elton's locker, and taped up inside was the picture you
took of Tai.
Oh, my God.
Elton's got a picture of you
hanging up in his locker.
Oh, no shit!
Hello! So, anyway, the whole
crew is going to this party in the Valley.
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
Looks like we're going to have
to make a cameo at the Val party.
background)
I told you I want it in the
morning. No!
SCENE XVIII - MURRAY'S CAR
Just look at the top of the
map. Sun Valley is north.
OK, no. All I see is Bel Air,
Then you're on the wrong map.
I am not on the wrong map.
Look at the number on the top.
What is the number on the top?
There are no numbers on the
top. There's letters.
(Murray makes a frustrated noise.)
Murray, shut up!
Please don't friz out!
SCENE XIX - THE VAL PARTY
(The gang pull up outside the
Listen Tai, when we get there
make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi first. Look like you're having
fun and you're really popular. Talk to someone in his eyeline, preferably
a guy. Make him come to you, and find an excuse to leave while he's still
into the conversation. The key is, always have him wanting more. You got
(Does a rail slide with his
skateboard on the stair-rail.)
Oh, did you just see that?!
Oh, God. Skateboards, that is
like, so five years ago.
Oh, you guys came! That's great!
You want a beer? I'll get you one.
(The girls enter the party house.)
&Unknown song and artist&
This is ragin'.
Let's do a lap before we commit
to a location.
(Dionne drags a dancing girl
away from Murray.)
Who was that?!
Cher, ain't that the same dress
that you was wearin' yesterday?
Say, Ambular?
Was that you going through my
As if. Like I would really wear
something from Judy's.
Do you prefer fashion victim
or ensembly challenged?
(Amber walks off.)
What a clone.
Cher, you looked much better
in that dress than she did.
(Travis bursts onto the scene
spilling drink on Cher's shoes.)
Uh! Ruin my satin shoes, why
don't you?!
I'm sorry.
(They move to the kitchen.)
Excuse me, my shoes! Uh! This
is so not fixable.
It's a small price to pay to
the party gods. Look, I'll make amends. How about some chronic shit?
Oh, it's the least you could
Hey, Elton's over there. Act
like Travis is saying something funny.
(Tai hands joint to Cher and
blows smoke in her face.)
(Tai starts cracking up.)
What's so funny?
(Elton approaches and reaches
behind Cher for the joint)
(Summer enters holding a card)
Hey, everyone! Let's play suck
(The card passes through the
group until Elton drops it (on purpose)
and plants one right on Cher's mouth)
God, Elton. Can you suck?
(Dionne screams in the background)
It's Dee. C'mon!
(Scene changes to the bathroom,
where Murray is getting his head shaved)
What have you done! Oh, my God!
Uh! Why did you do this to your head?!
Because I'm keeping it real.
Because I'm keeping it real.
'Cause I'm keeping it... 'cause
I'm keeping it real.
DIONNE (to
Look! Look what he's done to
his head! Can you believe this?
Look at Lawrence's head. Alright?
It's the bomb!
You know what I'm sayin'? You
look good.
As will you.
What'd you care what he thinks,
Murray? I'm the one that has to look at you. That was a big mistake. What
am I going to do with you now? And right before the year book pictures?
What am I going to tell my grandchildren?
You know what? Ok, that's it.
MURRAY (mimicking)
That's it.
You wanna play games?
MURRAY (mimicking
You wanna play games?
I'm calling your mother.
I'm... I'm ca... Oh, wait! Oh,
no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. Don't call my Ma.
Yo, man. Chill, chill!
(Cher and Tai start walking
Same thing happened at the spring
dance. She spent the entire after-party in the bathroom.
See, that almost destroyed by
I'm still baked.
(Back to the dance floor.)
&Rollin' With My Homies&
What do ya say, we go bump into
Yeah, I'm cool with that.
TRAVIS (from
on the fireplace)
Hey, Tai! Wait up! Whooh!
(Travis jumps onto the crowd.
No one keeps him up and he hits the deck.)
Are you OK?
TRAVIS (to
Where's your sense of pit hospitality?
That was so cool, the way you
did that. I wish I could do it.
Oh, no, don't.
Well, 'cause if girls did it,
what would guys do to impress them?
I don't know, like stuff. You
What kind of stuff?
(Cher spots Travis tuning Tai
and butts in to stop it)
Tai, I need you.
Elton's over there.
(The girls start dancing. As
Tai is trying to impress Elton she is hit in the head by a flying Clog)
Tai! Tai, Elton, help me!
(Elton carries Tai into the
kitchen and places her on the counter)
Thank you.
Here, you should use ice.
No, Travis! We've got it under
Tai, are you OK?
Travis, Tai would have wanted
you to enjoy the party.
If it's a concussion, you have
to keep her concious, OK? Ask her questions.
What's seven times seven?
Stuff she knows!
(Tai sits up and hits her head
on the light. What
Some bump you've got there.
Yeah? You ready to go back out
Yeah, I am.
Alright. Are you sure? Can you
do this? (Singing)
Rollin' with the homies.
Rollin' with the homies.
(Great voice.)
Yeah, let's do it. You're ready.
(Elton and Tai go back to the
dance floor.)
I had to give myself snaps for
all the good deeds I was doing. It was so great. Love was everywhere. Even
though I was alone, I was really happy for Tai. It's like that book I read
in ninth grade that said, &'tis a far, far better thing doing stuff
for other people.&
(Scene changed to outside by
the pool. Cher's phone rings.)
Do you know what time it is?
A watch really doesn't go with
this outfit, Daddy.
Where are you?
Uuhh, just having a snack with
my girlfriends.
Where, in Kuwait?!
Is that in the Valley?
Cher, I expect you to walk in
this door in twenty minutes.
Well, um, it might take longer
than that, Dad.
Everywhere in L.A. takes twenty
(Cher hangs up the phone.)
(Scene changes to outside front
of party house.)
Sorry to make you leave, Dionne
is bucking for best dramatic actress at a Val party.
(Tai laughs.)
Hey, Summer!
Hi! Pretty random fiesta. Need
a ride home?
That'd be great! Thanks!
No, I got it.
Well, I'm right below Wilshire
and Lindon.
Oh, that's right near me! I'm,
um, above Olympic.
Great! Then, Tai you'll go with
Summer, and Cher you'll come with me.
Actually, you could take Wilshire
to Cannon and that turns into Bennedict.
Well, then she'd have to go
back south and I'm already going north.
But, you could take Tai on your
way up to Sunset. Yeah.
That doesn't make any sense!
I'd have to get off the freeway, I hate that. Tai, go with Summer, Cher,
you'll come with me. Watch your feet.
(Each get into respective cars
and wave each other goodbye.)
SCENE XX - ELTON'S CAR
&Away& The Cranberries
(Elton is singing along to music.
Trying to be sexy, but he fails miserably,
the sleazy bastard!)
Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
(Elton just sings.)
I really love her hair when
it's all wild, you know? But it's also very pretty when it's all up, with
that curly tendrils. Like in that picture I took.
You know, you're one of my best
friends and I do not have friends that are girls.
Well, I'm glad, because your
happiness means a lot to me.
Sure. I mean, I saw how hard
your breakup with Collette was.
Yeah. I think we both know what
it feels like to be lonely.
Whatever. The thing is, is that
I'd really like to see you settled already.
(Elton pulls the car into a
parking lot.)
Where are we going?
(The car stops.)
I knew it, I knew it.
(Elton makes a pass at Cher.)
Oooh, you knew what?!
That you were totally sprung
Hello?! Don't you mean Tai?
You have her picture in your
I have the picture you took
in my locker.
Ohh, I'm having a twin peaks
experience.
I knew it, I knew it when you
kissed me.
Suck and Blow is a game, Elton!
(Elton has another go at Cher.)
Alright! You know, I don't get
you Cher. I mean, you flirt with me all year.
As if! I have been tryng to
get you together with Tai.
Tai?! Why would I go with Tai?
Why not? Why not?! Don't you
even know who my father is?
You are snob and a half.
Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai,
I mean, we don't make any sense, right? Me and you, well, makes sense.
(Elton tries for Cher, yet again.)
Cut it out!
(Cher gets out of the car.)
(Watch Cher compose herself
after getting out of the car. i.e. the head movements and sound effects.)
Cher?! Where are you going?
You're only hurting yourself here, baby. C'mon, you gonna walk home? Would
you get back in the car, please? Get back in the car.
Leave me alone!
(Elton drives away.
What a prick!)
Hey, where are you going? Shit!
(Cher whips out the phone and
Valley information.
Yeah, do you have the number
of a cab company?
Which one?
I don't know which one. What
do you have out here?
We have Valley Cabs...
Hand it over.
(Cher squeals/moans)
Give me the phone.
(Cher complies)
OK. Bag, too. C'mon! Alright,
now, uh, get down on the ground. Face down. C'mon!
Oh, no. You don't understand,
this is an Alaia.
An a-what-a?
It's like a totally important
And I will totally shoot you
in the head. Get down!
(Cher whimpers as she lies down
on the pavement)
Alright, um, count to a hundred.
Thank you.
One, two...
The evening had turned into
a royal mess. Sexually harrassed, robbed. I didn't know the number of the
party, so I couldn't call Dionne, and Daddy would kill me if he knew where
I was. There was just one person left to call, and I really, really didn't
want to call him.
(Cher dials up Josh's place.
He's trying to get it on with his girlfriend)
(Phone rings)
Josh, you busy?
Who is it?
It's Mel's daughter.
So, OK, I was at this party,
and my designated driver tried to attack me, so I got out 'cause we'd stopped,
and then he drove off and deserted me, and then this guy with a gun held
me up, took my money, and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me
to ruin my dress.
OK, OK, look, um. Where are
Sun Valley.
Man, you owe me.
SCENE XXI - JOSH'S CAR
&The Ghost in You&
Counting Crows
The man is ridiculous. He doesn't have one unique
thought in his little, puny brain.
I think there's some merit in learning the form straight
SCENE XXIV - CHER'S HOUSE
Suddenly, Daddy had a case that had to be solved right
away, so some clerks and Josh came to help him go through a gazillion depositions.
(The doorbell rings)
CHER (from upstairs)
I can't just open it, I have to make him wait a while.
Then he can wait outside.
Josh, pleeeaaase!
(Who could resist that?!)
C'mon, Josh? C'mon.
(Josh opens the door. Christian
walks right in)
What do ya hear?
She's not ready.
(The two of them walk over to
where Mel is working)
(Christian extends his hand,
but Mel ignores it)
Nice pile of bricks you got here.
You drink?
No, thanks. I'm cool.
I'm not offering, I'm asking you if you drink? You
think I'd give alcohol to teenage drivers taking my daughter out?
Hey, man. The protective vibe, I dig.
What's with you kid? You think the death of Sammy
Davis left an opening in the Rat Pack?
(Cher appears walking down the
stairs. Josh and every male in the audience
is stunned)
Christian.
Doll face.
JOSH (to Mel)
You're not letting her go out like that, are ya?
Cher, get in here.
What's up, Daddy?
What the hell is that?
Calvin Klein.
It looks like underwear. Go upstairs and put something
Duh, I was just going to.
(Cher runs off)
Hey, you?!
(Christian turns around)
Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and shovel.
I doubt anybody would miss you.
(Cher reappears)
Bye, Daddy. C'mon!
(They walk out)
It's so killer!
Thank you. Your dad is pretty scary.
You like Billie Holiday?
I love him.
&Miss Brown To You&
Billie Holiday
(They drive off)
I didn't like him.
What's to like?
I think I should go to the party.
If you feel like you should go...
You don't need me, do ya?
No, no, no.
I mean, unless you want? I mean, unless you want?
Josh! Go to the party. Go, go, go, go.
OK. I'll watch her for you.
(Josh walks off)
You do that.
SCENE XXV - THE FRAT&PARTY
&Someday I Suppose&
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
(Everyone is just dancing. Tai
(Tai falls down the stairs on
her butt! Classic!)
Oh, my God. Tai, are you OK?
God, shit! That is so embarassing!
No, no one saw.
Now, all night long, I'm gonna
be known as that girl who fell on her butt.
Tai, no one noticed.
&Where'd You Go?&
Mighty Mighty Bosstones
COLLEGE GUY
Wow! Are you OK? That looked
really bad.
Yeah, thanks.
(Tai spots Elton dancing with
Oh, my God, Cher, look. He's
going with Amber?!
No, he's probably just dancing
Do you think she's pretty?
No, she's a full on Monet.
What's a monet?
It's like a painting, see? From
far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy.
Christian, what do you think of Amber?
Hagsville.
Dig this. They're charging for
brewskies. Cash me a five, I'll pay you back.
(Christian kisses Cher on the
(Christian walks away)
He is so cute!
Oh, my God. Do you see how he
is falling in love with me?
(The girls watch Christian shrug
off an interested girl)
I mean, look how he ignores
every other girl.
Oh, God, look. There's Josh.
I didn't even see him come in,
but it's like he finds the only adult in here, like he's deliberately trying
to not have fun.
(Watch the look on Cher's face
as she's waving. Truly legend.)
Cher, I have a question. What
do you think I should do with this thing? Should I, uh, like tie it around,
or put it over my shoulder?
Tie it around your waist.
Ready to slide?
(Christian and Cher return to
the dance floor)
The band was kickin', and Christian
was the hottest guy there, but my enjoyment was put on pause when I saw
how unhappy Tai was.
(Josh walks over to Tai, engages
in small talk, then asks her to dance)
Oh, look, look! Josh is dancing
with Tai, he never dances.
I can see why.
No, he's doing her a prop so
she won't feel left out.
Oh, I dig it.
(Time passes. Cher, Tai, Josh,
and Christian are left. Christian is still dancing by himself)
&Here (Squirmel Mix)&
Luscious Jackson
How are you guys holding up?
We're so ready to leave.
I'm tired.
Let's get Christian and go.
Christian! You wanna go?
Now? These guys here have got
the skinny on the happenin' after hours.
My trainer's coming really,
really early this morning.
Look, I could take the girls
No, it's OK.
No, I'm fine, stay.
Yeah, sure.
CHRISTIAN (to
Thanks, man. You got my marker.
You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.
SCENE XXVI - JOSH'S CAR
That was really decent of you
to dance with Tai tonight.
My pleasure.
You notice any positive changes
Yeah, it's under your tutilage
she's exploring the challenging world of bare midriffs. So you didn't want
to make a night of it with the ring-a-ding kid?
Yeah, Daddy wouldn't go too
ballistic, it's not like he's going to sleep or anything.
No, not if they're going to
finish those depo's.
Hey, you what would be so dope?
If we got some really delicious take-out. I bet they haven't eaten all
That would be pretty dope of
us. Let's do it.
SCENE XXVII - CHER'S HOUSE
The midnight snack totally revived
the lawyers and Daddy was way grateful.
Mmm, Meat!
Meaty oranges and you get a
lot of vitamin C.
(Mel picks up a large sandwich)
Daddy, no! Daddy, no. You know
you can't have that...
Cher, c'mon!
Don't be silly.
I know it sounds mental, but
sometimes I have more fun vegging out than when I go partying. Maybe because
my party clothes are so binding.
Look, I'm just curious. How
many hours a day do you spend grooming yourself?
Some people are not lucky enough
to be as naturally adorable as you are.
Stop it, you're making me blush.
(Phone rings. Cher answers)
Hi Cher, how are you?
Is my son there, cleaning out
your refridgerator?
(Josh motions a &No&
No, no, he's not here. You should
try the dorms.
Alright, bye, hon.
(Cher hangs up the phone)
What was that all about?
She wants me to come home for
spring break.
So, what's the big deal? Nobody
will be in school.
Yeah, but husband number four's
at home and his whole idea of acting like a family is to criticize me.
So, what? You're just going
to roam around campus for two weeks all by yourself?
I don't mind.
That is stupid. Why don't you
just come here, you can have your old room, and there are going to be some
great parties.
I don't know.
You got your whole social world
going on, I don't want to get in the way.
you won't be in the way.
How much fun would it be having
a brother-type tagging along?
Josh, you are not my brother.
You know what I mean.
C'mon, you need some excitement
in your life. It'll replenish you for your finals.
I can't believe I'm taking advice
from someone who watches cartoons.
That's Ren and Stimpy. They're
way existential.
Do you have any idea what you're
talking about?
No, why? Do I sound like I do?
SCENE XXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE
(Theme from &2001:A Space
Odyssey& is playing while camera is focused on phone. The phone rings)
Christian said he'd call the
next day, but in boy time, that meant Thursday. So, you can imagine my
astonishment to hear from him while I was packing Daddy up.
&I Believe I'm You&
Gail Orange
He said he'd come over with
some video tapes and we'd watch them. A night alone with Christian! I sent
for reinforcements. Then, Dee and I had to design a lighting concept, and
costume decisions. I don't rely on mirrors, so I always take polaroids.
Whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.
Oh, I'm still all red.
Well, I'm trying to make you
as white as I can, Cher. Look, you're all flushed. You have to calm down.
You know, I am so glad I never
did it with someone I had lukewarm feelings for. Christian is brutally
hot, and I am going to remember tonight forever.
(The door bell rings. Cher opens
Is something burning?
Oh, my God!
(Cher runs to the kitchen. The
bake was fried)
Oh, honey, you baked.
C'mon, show me the rest of your
(Cher and Christian are outside
among Mel's art collection)
Your father has a well-rounded
collection.
Daddy says it's a good investment.
He's absolutely right. Klaus
Oldenberg.
Oh, he's way famous!
(Christian approaches a different
sculpture)
This is older, see? Transitional.
A very important piece.
Um, do you want to go swimming?
Hmmm, let's watch the movies.
(Scene moves to Christian and
Cher lying on bed watching &Spartacus&)
Christian had a thing for Tony
Curtis, so he brought over &Some Like It Hot& and &Sparaticus&.
(Cher starts rubbing her feet
up against Christian's legs. Christian doesn't enjoy it)
My feet are cold.
(Christian puts a pillow over
Cher's feet)
Oh, watch this part, this is
(Cher falls off the bed while
trying to look sexy. Too
Are you OK?
I'm fine. Do you want some,
something to drink? You know, I could get you some wine.
No. You notice how wine makes
people wanna feel, like sexy.
That's OK.
I'm actually getting tired.
But, um, I could make you some
coffee if you'd like?
Oh, no thanks. Got the ulcer.
But you had all those cappucinos
Oh. Well, you know, that was,
like... foam.
(They move to the front door)
You're great. We're friends,
(Cher nods)
Knock me a little kiss.
(Cher kisses him on the cheek)
I'll see ya.
(Christian leaves)
I don't get it. Did my hair
get flat? Did I stumble into some bad lighting? What's wrong with me?
(NOTHING!)
SCENE XXIX - MURRAY'S CAR
Nothing! Maybe he really was
I suppose it wasn't meant to
be, I mean, he does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?
Get back into the right lane.
What's the first thing you do?
First thing I do is, I put on
my blinker.
(Dionne accidently turns the
wipers on)
Oh, wait, shit.
Watch the road, watch the road!
Alright! Stop. Then, I look
in my mirror. OK, then I glance at my blind spot.
Glance with your head, not the
whole car. I swear to God, I swear to God, Woman, you can't drive for shit!
I'm not trying to hear that.
Hear me...
Actually, going all the way
is like a really big decision. I can't believe I was so caprecious about
it. Dee, I almost had sex with him.
You almost had sex with who?
Christian.
(Murray cracks up)
Yo, look. Are you bitches blind
or something? Your man, Christian is a cake-boy!
CHER & DIONNE
He's a disco-dancing, Oscar
Wilde-reading, Streissand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, know what I'm
Uh-uh. no way.
Yes, even.
He does like to shop, Cher,
and the boy can dress.
Oh, my God. I am totally buggin'.
I feel like such a bonehead.
What the hell? Yo, you're getting
on the freeway!
Yo, turn right! Get out of the
lane! Don't go. Forget procedure, just get out of the lane!
(Both Cher and Dionne scream)
Truck, truck, truck, truck!
CHER (screaming)
You're on the freeway!
What do I do, Murray?
Go straight, go straight, go
straight! Just relax and drive, baby! Just relax and drive.
(An old lady gives them the
CHER (screaming)
Shut up! Shut up!
(Lots of screams from everybody)
Whatever you do, keep your hands
on the wheel, at all times!
(A huge truck closes in on them.
Murray sees it)
Aaahhhhh!!!
(A lot more screaming from the
Turn to the right! Oh, there
it is. Alright, we're off. Damn, you did wonderful. Sorry, baby.
You did it, Dee!
Relax, relax, relax, relax,
honey, relax. Baby, relax, relax. Breathe, breathe, breath in, breathe.
Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe, honey, breathe, breath. Relax, relax.
Boy, getting off the freeway
makes you realize how important love is. After that, Dionne's virginity
went from technical to non-exisistant. I realized how much I wanted a boyfriend
of my own.
SCENE XXX - THE MALL
Not that Christian wasn't a
blast to hang out with. He was becoming one of my favourite shopping partners.
???????? Um, where's
Oh, she met some random guys
at the Foot Locker and escorted them right over there.
Oh, my God! Did you see...
I don't know where she meets
these Barnies.
I have a question, alright?
The jacket? Is it James Dean
or Jason Priestly?
Carpe' diem. OK, you looked
hot in it.
the barnies)
If I fall, would you guys catch
Could we please be more... generic?
(Tai screams)
Stop it! Please! Bring me back
up, please! Bring me back up.
(Tai screams a little more,
then Christian rescues her)
Thank you.
You asshole!
Hey, man. We're just joking.
Oh, really?! Someone could get
(Tai runs over and hugs Cher)
Cher, you don't understand.
I was just sitting there and I was just talking to those guys, and then,
all of a sudden, we were laughing, and...
Hey, are you OK?
Are you sure?
I'm fine. Yeah, uh-huh.
Let's get you home for some
What's that?
(Christian laughs)
Boy, considering how clueless
she was, Tai certainly had that &damsel in distress& act down.
SCENE XXXI - SCHOOL
Meanwhile, back at school, everyone
was talking about Tai's &brush with death& at the mall.
Was it, like a montage of all
the scenes in your life?
Not exactly a montage...
Hey, Cher! Is it true some gang
members, like tried to shoot Tai in the mall?
That is what everyone is saying.
When I was nine, I fell off
the jungle gym, that's when I saw this light, you know?
Wait, wait. Move down for Cher.
Tell me more, tell me more.
Where was I?
You were thinking about was
really important.
Oh, right, right. Right before
you die, your mind just sort of gets very clear. It's a very intense, spiritual
Well, I know when I was held
at gun-point...
Excuse me. (to
Tai) You were saying.
It's spiritual. I don't know,
I can't, I can't pinpoint the spirituality out for you, you know, if you've
never experienced anything...
SCENE XXXV - CHER'S HOUSE
But now I don't know how to
act around him. I mean, ordinarily I would strut around in my cutest little
outfits and send myself flowers and candy, but I couldn't do that stuff
with Josh.
(Cher and Josh are in the lounge
watching T.V.)
What's with you?
What do you mean?
You're so quiet. You haven't
made me watch the real world?
I care about the news.
Since when?
Since now.
(T.V. shows scenes from Bosnia)
You look confused.
Well, uh, I thought they declared
peace in the Middle East.
(Scene changes to Mel's Den
with Cher walking past the door in her pyjamas)
Cher, get in here!
What's up Daddy?
What are you doing, dancing
infront of my office?
Nothing, I just wanted to see
if you needed any help with anything.
Yeah, you caould help me with
something. Come over here. Every time that you see a telephone conversation
that took place on September third, highlight it. just September third.
CHER (laughing)
Yeah. Daddy, did you ever have
a problem that you couldn't argue your way out of?
Tell me the problem, and we'll
figure out how to argue it.
I like this boy.
And he likes someone else.
How could that be?
I don't know, but I feel wretched.
Well, obviously this boy is
a complete moron. You are the most beautiful girl in Beverly Hills. And
to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I want you with a stupid fella like
Well, actually he is a smart
guy and, you know he's one of those do-gooder types, and now I feel like
all my after-school commitments are just not good enough.
How can you say that? Who takes
care of everyone in this household? Who makes sure that Daddy eats right?
To tell you the truth, I have not seen such good-doing sice your mother.
Really. Now get back to work.
SCENE XXXVI - PISMO BEACH
Later, while we were learning
about the Pismo Beach diaster, I decided I needed a complete make-over,
except this time I'd make-over my soul. But what makes someone a better
person? And then I realised, all my friends were really good in different
ways. Like, Christian, he always wants things to be beautiful and interesting.
Or Dionne and Murray, when they think no one is watching, are so considerate
of each other. And poor Miss Giest, always trying to get us involved, no
matter how much we resist?
MISS GIEST
Oh, it's just, that doesn't
even show... you know, every single possesion, every memory, everything
you had your whole life... gone in a second. Can you imagine what that
must feel like?
(Elton raises his hand)
Can I use the Pass?
MISS GIEST
Yeah. We'll be collecting blankets,
disposable diapers, canned goods...
(Cher raises her hand)
Miss Giest?
MISS GIEST
I wanna help.
MISS GIEST
That would be wonderful.
I felt better already.
(Back at Cher's house)
You didn't like that red caviar,
What's she talking about?
(Cher starts dragging a heap
of stuff to the front door)
Cher, what are you doing?
I'm captain of the Pismo Beach
disaster relief.
I don't think they need your
Daddy, some people lost all
their belongings, don't you think that includes athletic equipment?
This is your influence, Josh?
(Scene changes to sign-on stall
at school)
&Shake Some Action&
Hey, c'mere. Sign up, it's going
to be really fun.
(Scene cahnges to indoors)
No, you know what? Can you please
take it to bedding? Yes, thank you very much.
Oh, Miss Giest, Miss Giest.
MISS GIEST
Yes, dear?
I need more boxes, they're all
filled up.
MISS GIEST
Already? Great!
I divided them into entres and
apetisers.
MISS GIEST
Oh, OK, I'll have them picked
Proper. This is really decent
of you Travis.
(Cher picks up a Bong from Travis'
I wasn't sure about that. I
don't need it anymore, but far be it from me to deny anyone else, you know?
Oh, I wanted to tell you something, I'm sorry about your shoes.
What shoes?
The red ones with the strappy
Oh, those are so last season.
What even made you think of them?
Well, it's one of my steps,
you see? I joined this club, and there are these steps...
Yeah, twelve! How'd you know?
Wild guess.
Wow, good guess. Ah, also, here.
(Travis hands Cher a flyer)
CHER (reading)
Ameteur Skateboarding League.
This clarity thing has brought me to, like a whole new level with my skating.
You gotta see it. Would you come Saturday?
CHER (holding
Well, um, I guess, kitchenware?
That's where I used to keep
SCENE XXXVII - A.S.L. COMPETITION
&Mullet Head& Beastie
(Tai approached Cher at the
drinks stand)
Cher, can I talk to you a minute?
Look, I have been in agony the
past week and I can't even believe that I went off the way I did.
No, I have been going down a
shame spiral. I cannot even believe I was so unsupportive of your feelings
No, you are entitled to your
own opinion, alright? I'm the tart here. Cher, you've been nothing but
super-duper nice to me.
Not even. If it wasn't for me,
you wouldn't have even liked that loser, Elton. I'm so sorry, Tai.
Cher, I'm really sorry. Oh,
shit. Now I'm going to go ahead and cry.
Let's never fight again, OK?
(Cher and Tai hug. Travis is
announced on the P.A.)
Next up, number fourteen, Travis
Berkenstock.
(The girls sit down, excitedly
giggling and pointing to Travis.)
Alright Travis!
I had no idea he was so motivated.
Oh, I did.
When I saw the sparks between
Tai and Travis, I knew Josh was out of the picture.
SCENE XXXVIII - CHER'S HOUSE
You look like Pippi Longstocking.
Well, you look like Forrest
Gump. Who's Pippi Longstocking?
Someone Mel Gibson never played.
(Cher lets her hair down, and
Josh is dumbfounded by her beauty)
What happened to the August
28th files?
Hmm, what?
Mel wanted them tonight, there
were twice as many. He's gonna go ballistic, where are they?
I think I checked them for the
September third conversation.
Where'd you put them?
I divided them into two piles.
Is that wrong?
Oh, my God. I have to redo all
that. What are you, some kind of idiot?
Hey, she didn't know.
She just set us back a day.
Who cares about the September call? Now we're screwed!
I'm sorry.
Just forget it, OK? Just go
back to the mall or something.
(Cher runs out of the room)
What's your problem, man? She
didn't mean any harm.
I'm gonna get killed because
she's a moron.
She's not a moron. You know,
if you were paying attention to your assignment, it wouldn't have happened.
Well, if you hadn't been playing
footsy with the dumb kid, she wouldn't be bothering me.
What the hell are you talking
You know exactly what I'm talking
about. Josh, this is a multi-million dollar law suit, not some excuse for
puppy-love.
Look, we've been working our
butts off on this case!
Well, tell you what? You do
whatever you want with your butts, I'm calling in sick.
(Lawyer leaves while Josh slams
the door behind him. Cher is sitting at the top of the stairs)
Did I really ruin Daddy's law
(Josh moves up to sit beside
Of course not.
Well, did I set him back? I
mean, there's so much work to be done, and he can't afford to lose that
Don't worry about it, I'll take
care of it. Your father won't lose any time. Can you imagine the nerve
of that guy? I mean, making you worry like that, and yet, he's the one
that screwed up and then he goes and blames us. Imagine saying we were...
That's right, you've been very
dedicated to this case.
Yeah, well, it's a good learning
experience, at least for me, I want to be a lawyer. But you, I mean, you
don't need to be doing this. Go out and have fun, go shopping.
You think that's all I do, I'm
just a ditz with a credit card?
No, no, ah, that's not what
(Josh just stutters a bit, looking
for the right words)
You're young and beautiful...and...
And, well, uh, what?
You think I'm beautiful?
(YES, YES!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF
GOD, YES!!!!)
You know your gorgeous, alright?
And popular, and, um, and... but this is not why I, you know, I come here.
This is a good learning experience for me.
You already said that.
Mel, I wanna help out Mel. He's
the only one who cares about me.
That's not true.
He's not? Are you saying you
care about me?
(Cher goes to hit his shoulder,
but he catches her with a kiss. Good move!)
(Both like it. So they try again.)
Well, you can guess what happened
SCENE XXXIX - THE WEDDING
As if! I am only sixteen, and
this is California, not Kentucky.
(Mr. Hall and Miss Giest get
I know, that when I have my
own wedding, I want this, like whole entire floral motif, very floral garlens...
floral dresses.
No, no, no, no. When I get married,
I'm gonna have a sailor dress, but it's going to be a gown, and all my
bridesmaids are gonna wear sailor hats... with vails.
That sounds so cool.
Oh, my God. They're planning
our weddings already. Could you all stop all that to death do us part mumbo-jumbo.
I'm telling ya, man, I'm completely buggin'.
I'm buggin' myself.
(Miss Stoeger runs on the scene)
MISS STOEGER
Girls! She's about to throw
the bouquet, c'mon!
(Miss Stoeger, Dionne and Tai
Look, we got a pool going to
see who's girl gets the bouquet. It's up to two hundred dollars.
It's in the bag.
&Tenderness& General
(All the girls are jumping around
waiting for the bouquet. Miss Giest/Mrs. Hall throws it amongst them. The
bouquet exchanges hands and they all fall down. Classic
scene! Cher ends up with it.)
(Cher and Josh kiss.
It's the one scene that I'll never get out
of mind for the rest of my life. Simply awesome lip-lock!)
END CREDITS
&Need You Around&
Smoking Popes
(Sheesh! Finally. Well, I
hope you enjoyed the script. Now be sure to go and watch it repeatedly.
If you have already done so, watch it again! Bye-bye!)
If you know of any script errors, soundtrack details,
or any other suggestions about the script, then please email me at .
Writers : &&
Genres : &&&&}