What I Mean When I Use the Word Shame
“Just when we had girded ourselves against the sociopath next door, Burgo alerts us to the narcissist across the street. What a neighborhood!”
- The New York Times Book Review
I’m just about ready to deliver a draft of my book on defenses to the other members of my writer’ as part of the final revisions, I’ve been attempting to clarify my ideas about shame as they’re so central to the work I the text below is adapted from a chapter about defenses against shame and reflects my efforts to sharpen these ideas.
Although I can’t print her name, I’d like express my thanks and acknowledge my debt for all the help I received from one of my long-term clients, a gifted therapist herself and a women who cares as passionately about this subject as I do.
She pointed out some holes and inconsistencies in prior posts and helped me clarify what we both believe to be crucial ideas.
Thanks, S.
Of all the painful emotions humans must bear, a core sense of shame is the most excruciating, the most difficult to bear.
My views on shame and its origins likely differ from how you nor before describing the , let me clarify these views with a brief detour into neurobiology and early infantile development.
Upon birth, we human beings are intensely vulnerable and reliant upon our mothers and fathers to help us grow.
The course of our development depends upon how they respond to our physical and emotional needs, and we enter this world with a set of in-built expectations for what those responses ought to be.
Winnicott referred to this genetic inheritance as a “blueprint for normality.”
When our parents respond appropriately, in keeping with that blueprint, it feels natural, right and good, instilling us with a sense of safety in our world and of our own intrinsic beauty.
This experience forms the core of self-esteem.
But in situations where the parents’ responses diverge dramatically from that blueprint – say, when their behavior is emotionally abusive or traumatic – the baby instead senses that something is very wrong and feels unsafe in its world.
On a deep intuitive level, it knows that its own development has gone awry.
Instead of instilling a sense of intrinsic beauty, an abusive or traumatic environment leaves the infant with a sense of internal defect and ugliness.
I refer to this core sense of intrinsic defect as basic shame.
At heart, the experience of basic shame, often unconscious, feels like inner ugliness, the conviction that if others were truly to “see” us, they’d recoil in scorn or disgust.
At first glance, it might seem as if I’m using the word shame in a totally idiosyncratic way, but this usage actually reflects one of the secondary meanings of the word:
disappointed expectations.
It’s a shame the rain spoiled our picnic.
When anticipating the day ahead, we have an idea in mind, a vision of the pleasure we will take i when the reality fails to match that expectation, shame is the result.
In the case of the developing infant, basic shame arises when the in-built expectation for a nurturing environment meets the reality of parents whose behavior is abusive or traumatic.
and other experts in neurobiology have traced the effects of parental responses to their infant on the development of its brain, especially those parts involved in feelings and social functioning.
In comparing brain scans of two-year-olds who grew up in emotionally deficient environments – that is, with parents who consistently failed to respond according to the infant’s in-built expectations – with those who grew up in optimal environments, the former displayed far fewer neurons, with fewer interconnections between them.
In other words, when the environment diverges widely from the blueprint for normality and fails to provide the emotional responses the infant needs, its brain develops abnormally, analogous to the way that a deficiency of Vitamin D (rickets) during childhood may impede normal bone development.
After two years, those abnormal brain develop you can never fully make up for inadequate parenting during this critical period.
Again as with rickets, where failure to rectify that Vitamin D deficiency will lead to permanent skeletal damage, the brains of babies whose parents consistently let them down emotionally will reflect that damage for life.
Basic shame is the (often unconscious) awareness of this internal damage, felt at the deepest level of our being.
In order to develop normally after birth, then, we need parents who will tend to our needs, help us learn to manage our emotions in the context of a loving, joyful relationship and make us feel safe in the world.
These are the conditions we need in order to thrive, emotionally and neurologically.
When our parents fail, we’re unable to
growing up, we know on an intuitive, deeply felt level that our development has gone awry, instilling a core sense that something is wrong with us.
We don’t need a perfect environment upon birth, only one that is “good enough,” in Winnicott’s terms.
As we move along the spectrum of possibilities away from “good enough” toward more limited, traumatic and abusive environments, those defects increasingly impact and damage our development.
The sense of basic shame will also intensify along that spectrum:
the more deficient the early experience, the more pervasive will be the sense of damage and thus of basic shame.
These feelings will be carried by the person throughout his or her life.
Even if early environment isn’t abusive or highly traumatic, we may develop pockets of shame when our parents let us down in important ways.
Maybe boundaries between mother and child are confused, and the parent has difficulty bearing separation.
A mother may become so mired in anxiety or depression that it limits her ability to meet her baby’s needs, etc.
In these cases – somewhere in between “good enough” and highly deficient – the damage may be less severe and so will our feelings of shame
our defenses against that experience won’t dominate our character so pervasively.
In my experience, a great many people have these pockets of shame.
Joe is the author and the owner of AfterPsychotherapy.com, one of the leading online mental health resources on the internet. Be sure to connect with him on
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August 2010In a deep sense, there is something wrong with the thoughts of the Tao that this came to be so.
在一种深深的感觉中，道的思想有某地方出了岔子才成为这样。
If one accepts the idea that lawns are, in a deep sense, unethical, how does one fill the front yard?
如果一个房主接受种植草坪是不道德的这种观点，那么用什么来填充他的前院呢？
This paper is to discover the intrinsic characteristics of EST, so the features of EST vocabulary, syntax and discourse analysis are separately studied and explored in a deep sense.
本文旨在揭示科技英语的内在特征，因此对科技英语从其的方方面面，即针对其词汇特点，句式特征以及整体语篇都进行了系统、深入地分析和探讨。
In a deep sense, freedom is allowance of all truths as expressed within oneself and within all others on all planes of reality.
在某种深刻的意义上，自由是接受所有的人在所有实相层面上、所有表达内在的真相。
In a deep sense, the Language of ONE reunites tones that fractured over time becoming the colors of the rainbow into a single golden-white or silver-white tone.
在一个更深的觉察中，全一之语将重新统一随时间已断裂而成了所有彩虹色调至一个单一的金白或银白音调。
This idea of Hedgel's differs from and mutually supplements in many ways with Marx's perceptual practice existentialism in a deep sense.
此思想与马克思的感性实践存在论思想，在诸多方面构成了相异又互补、对立又统一的深层对话关系。
In a deep sense, poor management benefit and weak interior- control system are the internality reason.
从深层次来看，企业经营效益欠佳，内控不严是其内在根源。
The School sets out to recognize the personal worth and individuality of students, inculcating in them a deep sense of gratitude for all that has been received from God and others.
学校肯定每个学生都是独特而有价值的。学校会教导学生常怀感恩的心，懂得为得到的，感谢上主和别人。
For example, although all of Fallingwater is opened by broad bands of windows, people inside are sheltered as in a deep cave, secure in the sense of hill behind them.
例如，尽管整个流水别墅都开了很多大窗子，人们在屋里就像呆在一个深深的山洞中一样，仿佛背靠着一座山，感觉很安全。
Introduce:Advanced police includes serious case group Wei is male (Liu Qingyun is acted the role of) because shoot, hit a the dead to be immersed in the deep sense that suffer a pain in.
简介：重案组高级警察包伟雄（刘青云饰）因开枪打死人陷入深深的负罪感之中。
For chronic procrastination that stems from a deep sense of meaninglessness in life, "being in spite of" defines the existentialist's "therapy.
对于生活中由深深的无意义感所引发的慢性拖延，这种“尽管的存在”定义了存在主义的“疗法”。
Hopefully, but a moment ago, as Hester had spoken of drowning it in the deep sea, there was a sense of inevitable doom upon her, as she thus received back this deadly symbol from the hand of fate.
仅仅片刻之前，海丝特还满怀希望地谈到要把红字沉进深深的海底，但当她从命运之神的手中重新接过这死一般的象征时，就感到一种难以避免的阴沉笼罩着她。她已经把它抛进了无限的空间！
Still, at a time when millions of Americans feel a deep sense of urgency in their own lives, Republican leaders in Washington just don’t get it.
然而，在无数美国人感受这人生最为紧急的关头，华盛顿的共和党领导人却对此漠不关心。
Still, the authors note, “Just as self-disclosure can instill a sense of intimacy in a relationship, deep conversations may instill a sense of meaning in the interaction partners.”
著者还说，“正如自我展示能让对话中充满亲密感，长而深入的谈话在互动中也能意味深长。”
"Gold itself has traditionally traded in a deep and liquid market so in that sense the ETFs have provided more access into that market for a broader group of investors," Feldman said.
"黄金本身传统上是在活跃且流动性大的市场交易,因此ETF让更多类投资者能有接近市场的机会."Feldman说.
Desire being most intense when the object is absent, longings for communication also index a deep sense of dereliction in social relations.
当对象不在时这种渴望最为强烈，对传播的渴望同时也显现了对社会关系中漠然无助的深刻见解。
The experience with the elk is one of many blessings I have found that being vegan brings. Veganism kindles a deep sense of peace in nature and of kinship, fellowship, and harmony with all life.
驼鹿启迪我，要每天拿出时间来感恩，感受与伟大的造化同一体，敞开心扉，畅游于喜悦与和平的内在之泉源。
However, in recent years, researchers have a further deep sense of the material basis consciousness-brain, and its impact on the efficiency of learning is got more and more people's attention.
但近些年来，研究者对意识产生的物质基础-大脑的研究进一步深化，而它对学习效率上的影响正越来越受到人们的普遍关注。
This created a deep sense of happiness – in the midst of all that suffering.
而这恰恰创造了一种很深刻的幸福体验——即使身处艰苦环境亦是如此。
In a sense, this space is the deep-seated sense of comfort with the space environment, sustainable public space is also pursued by.
从某种意义上说，这样的空间就是深层次意义上的具有舒适性的环境空间，也正是可持续公共空间所追求的。'）；
Aseff he called for the master, there is a thought in my brain flash: with such a deep-rooted sense of living in a distinct hierarchy of place, what is the taste?
他称呼阿塞夫为少爷，有个念头在我脑里一闪而过：带着这种根深蒂固的意识，生活在一个等级分明的地方，究竟是什么滋味?。
It was the cool gray dawn, and there was a delicious sense of repose and peace in the deep pervading calm and silence of the woods.
此时正值凉爽的、灰蒙蒙的黎明时分，林子里一片静谧，给一种甜蜜的安息与和平的气氛围扰着。
On the other hand, language is an external manifestation of a nation's thought and culture in the deep sense.
另一方面，语言是一个民族深层思维方式和文化的外在表现。
There is a deep sense of inadequacy when we sit in a home giving a Bible study or stand before an audience where hundreds need to make a decision for Christ.
当我们主持家庭聚会查经学习或站在讲台上为数百颗需要立志归主的人讲道的时候，感到深深的不够。
There is a deep sense of inadequacy when we sit in a home giving a Bible study or stand before an audience where hundreds need to make a decision for Christ.
当我们主持家庭聚会查经学习或站在讲台上为数百颗需要立志归主的人讲道的时候，感到深深的不够。
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感谢您的反馈，我们会尽快进行适当修改！Colicchio Consulting Lands Top Chef Kevin Sbraga for Hallmark Partners’ “Unity Plaza” Mixed Use Town Center Development in Jacksonville
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Colicchio Consulting Lands Top Chef Kevin Sbraga for Hallmark Partners’ “Unity Plaza” Mixed Use Town Center Development in Jacksonville
Sbraga & Company Creates Communal Dining Experiences to Attract Visitors, Local Business Traffic and Residents to an Inspiring New Model of Mixed Use Development – and Helps Drives Pre-Leasing
Colicchio Consulting Brings Sbraga & Co. to Unity Plazasource: Michael Persico
Jacksonville – The world's best restaurants have always been great places to dine, and they've also been the vehicles of choice for guests to "see and be seen." Now, those same restaurants are also considered to be critical strategic assets for mixed use developers, serving as communal gathering spaces and drivers of retail and real estate sales, both commercial and residential.
On top of the trend is Colicchio Consulting, a leading strategic management firm bringing together developers and internationally-renowned culinary talent. The group exclusively advised Jacksonville-based developer Hallmark Partners on its selection and engagement of renowned Chef Kevin Sbraga's Sbraga & Company to lead the food and beverage charge at the new Unity Plaza mixed-use development in downtown Jacksonville.
A chef of rising international acclaim, Sbraga is the winner of Bravo TV's 'Top Chef: Season 7," and owner of the decorated Sbraga and The Fat Ham restaurants in Philadelphia. Hallmark Partners is a full-service commercial real estate company that has developed more 1.2 million square feet of commercial property, totaling $410 million. 220 Riverside and Unity Plaza is a mix used development that includes 294 rental apartments, 20,000 square feet retail and restaurant spaces and a 2.5 acres urban park. This exciting new project serves as a catalyst to revitalize Jacksonville's downtown core through enhanced access to options in housing, cuisine entertainment, transportation, in a live-work-play environment.
As a result of the buzz and traffic surrounding the opening of Sbraga & Company the property leased up well ahead of schedule.
"We're delighted to welcome Chef Sbraga to Unity Plaza, thanks to the efforts of Colicchio Consulting, " said Alex Coley, Principal and Co-Founder of Hallmark Partners. "With his arrival, Jacksonville joins the ranks of 'hot cities' like Atlanta, Nashville, Miami and Philadelphia, which have tapped top culinary talent to program restaurant spaces in ways that are compelling not just for residents, but for local businesses and business travelers as well. The culinary inspiration is palpable, and it makes its home in a public gathering space that is inspired by the unity and distinct feeling of fellowship that is part and parcel of Jacksonville. Thanks in part to Kevin's commitment, our Riverside development and Unity Plaza are performing well ahead of expectations."
Speaking about the partnership, CC's Phil Colicchio said, "In this instance, we were able to unite two true visionaries that share core values. Kevin's philosophy of food and service merged seamlessly with Hallmark's distinctive community minded development. We were honored to be trusted by Hallmark with the assignment."
With a combined total of more than four decades of commercial real estate, hospitality and food and beverage deal making at the highest levels, Colicchio Consulting brings top developers, retail projects, hotel owners, and asset managers together with award-winning chefs and restaurant operators, creating unique, on-brand dining destinations which generate attractive revenue opportunities.
Kevin Sbraga, said, "I'm thrilled to be involved in this partnership, which brings a new dimension of living and dining to Jacksonville. The combination of a sophisticated, downtown, urban location and a distinctly Southern feel and flavor has inspired me, I want to present a unique culinary destination that reflects its environment. I'm proud to be joining with Hallmark in bringing life to that vision."
At Sbraga & Company, Kevin Sbraga is serving a contemporary approach to the cultural influences of Northeast Florida. Tables are filled with the bounty of the South: grilled meats and seafood, modern ceviches, house-made breads, and craveable cocktails. The 200?-seat restaurant, which features local crops, a raw bar and wood-fired grill, also has its own bakery, where all its bread is made fresh, including one made with local beer from Jacksonville's vibrant brewing scene.
The restaurant opened to the public on November 14th.
For more information on the Unity Plaza and Riverside developments, visit .
For more on Colicchio Consulting, visit .
About Colicchio Consulting
Colicchio Consulting is a leading strategic management firm bringing together the world's most distinctive hotels and top culinary talent. The firm is managed by leading practitioners and visionaries from the fields of hospitality and restaurant management who bring unmatched resources for bringing together hotel owners and restaurant operators to create innovative culinary partnerships. For more information, visit .
About NAI Hallmark Partners
Hallmark Partners was formed in 1993 as a full-service commercial real estate development company offering sales/leasing brokerage, property management, real estate intelligence and turnkey development services. Over the past 20 years the company has developed more than $400 million in commercial projects in northeast Florida. Hallmark Partners is currently developing the signature mixed-use 220 Riverside/Unity Plaza project in downtown Jacksonville. In 2012, Hallmark Partners announced its affiliation with Princeton, NJ-based NAI Global () creating NAI Hallmark Partners. NAI Hallmark Partners is involved in the leasing and/or management of a portfolio in excess of 3 million square feet in the Jacksonville market.
The Unity Plaza project is a unique public-private partnership that is committed to engaging, enlivening and uplifting residents of Jacksonville and visitors, though a compelling combination of living, working , entertainment and cultural offerings.
About Sbraga Dining
Sbraga Dining was founded with a simple goal in mind - create an unforgettable dining experience for every guest that walks through the door. With a team of professionals deeply rooted in genuine service, the restaurant group strives to instill a sense of adventure in each concept with reimagined cuisine, transformative environments, and elevated hospitality. Learn more at .
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