Cartoonist
writes over at the New York Times about
in which people in their early middle age (think 40 to 45) look at the lives of all their friends and try to figure out how their own lives match up to theirs. This is basically indistinguishable to what everybody does all the time — 20somethings look at their lives relative to their other friends too, I assure you, or at least did when I was that age — but Kreider’s thesis (or at least what I got out of it) was that at about 40 years of age, this comparison is more pertinent and poignant, because by that time you’ve already made all sorts of life choices that will define the rest of your life, and in some ways it’s just too late to go back and start over.
Essentially, at 40 or so, you’ve become who you are going to be for the rest of your life. Which means that, when you look at your friends’ choices, you do so with some measure of romanticism and envy, because those choices will no longer ever be yours. The only positive note about any of this (or so says Kreider) is that your friends likely look at your life through rose-colored glasses as well. Basicially, at 40, everyone’s over-romanticizing the life of their contemporaries.
It’s an interesting thesis, and in some ways dovetails into something I’ve thought for a while, which is that one’s 20th high school and college reunions are really the only ones that one needs to attend, because they’re the ones that let you see who all your classmates became when they grew up. At the reunions before the 20th, people are still figuring out what they’re do the ones afterward you show up just to find out who’s still breathing. But basically while one always has to leave room for epiphanies, freak-outs and karma, I do think when you see someone at 40, they are who they who they have become and will likely be for the remainder of their time on the planet. I co ask me again when I’m 50. But it seems that way to me now.
I don’t know how much I agree about the rest of “The Referendum,” however. Or more accurately I think that I agree that “The Referendum” functions, but only to the extent one is unhappy with one’s own choices in life, or sees the choices one’s made in terms of what one’s lost in other opportunities. I suspect people who are satisfied with the choices they’ve made with their lives (rather than being resigned to them) look at things differently — they look at the lives their friends have and see the value of them and the cool things those lives offer, but wouldn’t trade because their own lives have enough value for them.
For example, this graph, in which Kreider, single and without children, discussing his friends with children (and, also, homes):
But I can only imagine the paralytic terror that must seize my friends with families as they lie awake calculating mortgage payments and college funds and realize that they are locked into their present lives for farther into the future than the mind’s eye can see. Judging from the unanimity with which parents preface any gripe about children with the disclaimer, “Although I would never wish I hadn’t had them and I can’t imagine life without them,” I can’t help but wonder whether they don’t have to repress precisely these thoughts on a daily basis.
This is a fairly depressing way of looking at life with children and mortgages, and so quite naturally if this is how you’re doing it, you’ll be romanticizing the lives of your friends without either. But it’s not impossible to look at college funds and mortgage payments as part of a long-term process that results in a) responsible, productive adults you’ve had a hand in creating and b) a place you own and stake a claim to, both of which are in their way laudable and worth the time and commitment. Now, maybe neither of these things are monumental, in terms of asking “what have I done with my life,” but it doesn’t mean that either is not desirable or worth doing. Not every desirable or good thing in one’s life is or should be monumental.
I think the real thing that bothers me about Kreider’s “Referendum” is that it seems to deny both agency and optimism, the latter not in the “hey! It’s a sunshiny day!” sense but in the “work as if these were the early days of a better nation” sense. Our lives are a combination of the choices we make, for better or for worse, and events that are largely out of our control, which we then have to deal with. It’s also a continuing process, to which we have to commit every morning when we wake up. I think Kreider’s “Referendum” is a tapping into the desire to escape one’s life rather than to commit to it. And, I don’t know. I think that’s not a way to go through life, if you can avoid it.
Now, you may say, it’s easy for me to have this perspective because in many ways I have an enviable life. Which is true, and I don’t want to pretend otherwise. But, you know, Tim Kreider and most of his pals undoubtedly have enviable lives, , “You draw at home and you hang out with friends and drink and stuff, and then, at the end of the week, you produce a cartoon?
And that’s your job… Please allow me to congratulate you on having the best life of all time.” To be very clear about it, anondyne musing about one’s position in life relative to one’s chums is the sport of the privileged, like polo or key parties. The issue in this case isn’t privilege, it’s perspective. It’s one of those enviable problems to have.
Or to put it another way, if you’re really spending time fantasizing about your friends’ lives, and they are equally spending time fantasizing about yours, there’s a good chance both of your lives are, you know, pretty good, and maybe you should focus on that instead. It’s just a thought.
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Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.英语翻译请人将这些翻译成因为最近,生活陷入混乱之中,总有很多不顺心的事情.渴望与别人交谈却不知道说什么.只要寄托给日记,大道理什么的自己都懂,却想放弃很多自己所执着的东西.明白自己必须坚强,却总觉得自己要倒下去,很累,很害怕.
kiki刷粉840
Recently, my life is a mess with lots of unhappy things. I am eager to talk with others,but don't know what to say. I project my thoughts in my diary with intent to give up many persistent things. I know I should be strong,but I always feel collapsed, very tired and very frightened.
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扫描下载二维码I Feel Like Nothing I Do Is Good Enough For My Husband And Children : I Feel Like I'm Not Good Enough Story & Experience
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I Feel Like Nothing I Do Is Good Enough For My Husband And Children
I have been married for almost a year to the love of my life. When we were dating he also told me how beautiful I am and how he couldnt live with out me. Now, I dont think he even likes me. Its not even been a year. Am i that horrible? Am I doing him an injustice by staying with him? I feel like nothing I do is good enough.... EVER. I buy a shirt yesterday that's his favorite color on me and he says " well, thats intresting". I got my hair cut last week and asked him what he thought about it. He said " looks the same as always, what do you want me to say?" He plays softball all the time. It seems like he puts it in front of everything else. He has left me to go play softball when I was sick, when my knee was blown out, when I had to work over. It doesnt matter. Its like he doesnt want to be with me. I love him and want to be with him but I dont think he likes me any more. How does a wife deal with that? I think he loves.... but I DO NOT think he likes me at all. He had a game tonight and he knew I had to work over. He complained and fussed about it, so I&got off work then he yelled " I didnt tell you to get off work!" Ya see??? It doesnt matter what I do. Nothing is ever good enough. I feel like I just want to die. I would never kill myself because I fear the lord too much, but I have found myself lately praying for death. I want to make him happy, but it seems like the harder I try the worse it gets. He tells me to talk to him about my feelings. But when I do, its somehow my fault. Not "what can we do to fix this", but "well i cant take the complaining all the time,,, blah blah"
I feel like I make him unhappy. And when you love someone half as much as I love my husband, you want them happy no matter what. Even if it isnt with you. I dont know what to do here. I cry all the time because I'm always sad. We never make love (we have sex alot, thats not what i mean) but he never just holds me anymore. He never tells me I look good any more. I never get flowers. He never tells me I'm doing a good job with the kids, or work or the house. I just got a 15k a year raise at work and he is probably the only one in my life not to tell me he was proud of me. This are the reasons why I feel like he doesnt like me.....
I hate myself sometimes....
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I hate my life, what should I do? You might have heard this disheartening statement from people. Maybe sometimes you feel this way. The fact is many people have negative thoughts and feelings about themselves to a point of hating their life. While it is normal to feel that way, the situation can be improved. Life has a lot of challenges. Everybody has something he or she is fighting with, but you can be positive about it and live happily.
The thought of I hate my life doesn't come without a reason. There are quite a number of things that can lead to this. The following are examples of real experiences by people who felt this way and the reasons as to why.
I Hate My Life – Haunted by Rejection
I was all by myself on the bathroom floor yet for another time. My friends did not find a way of getting in and there I was, all alone. “I hate my life,” I supposed. For a long time, I wanted to be accepted and loved. However, I faced a lot of ridicule. What resulted is a lack of personality, leaving me with no one to talk to.
I Hate My Life – In Search of Recognition and Love
Why me? Even as a child, I felt left out. I was not good looking. I was the tallest amongst my schoolmates in a new institution. My first experience of rejection was at this school. This marked a sad moment that would affect me my entire life. I was left wishing that I would just disappear, not to see anyone but life had to go on. I was not ready to participate in any activity. When it was time to join Junior High, I wanted to do it undercover. My search for love and acceptance made me behave this way.
I Hate My Life – Collegial Blunders
My parents offered to take me to college after finishing high school. I was not interested because of my poor achievements. After a long struggle, I found myself in college. On getting there, I came up with my own objective of becoming famous and popular. It was something that was really a puzzle for me. I ended up being known though not certainly popular.I disliked my parent’s habit of partying on Saturday nights and attending church service the following day. I used to hate drinking and tho however, things started to change in college.&I went out with some guys in the hope of getting to know people only to find myself in the company of drunkards.
I Hate My Lif e – Abusing Drugs
I started drinking alcohol to a point of becoming sick and even fainting during the night. I hated myself. I had no purpose in life. My four college years were a waste. My friend always told me that I was destroying many brain cells while drinking. For me, it didn’t matter anything. However, I thought I should quit at some point as he continued to persuade me.&I went to stay with my sister with the hope to change. However, it did not last more than a month before my drinking habit started. I did not have a reason to live, neither did I have any guts to die. It was a failure all through.
I Hate My Life – Nervousness and Extreme Anxiety
My sister proposed to get a Christian counselor for me. Despite being raised up in a church-going family, I felt a little uncomfortable. All she said to me was that God cared for me. I could not believe it.At some point, my senses returned and I realized that God had not killed me all these years. She insisted that God had a purpose for my life. I felt devastated without hope. I told God to take my life and do whatsoever thing he was pleased with it. I lived a life of pleasing people, but now I dared God in to accept me and make something out of my life. I was all along angry with my life.
People complain about how they hate everything about their life. They simply cannot get happiness. Maybe you are just one of them. Such people think that happiness comes with many friends, money, a per but sadly, they are wrong. People say that they hate their life but none among them is willing to die.
See the Positive Side of Life
It is important for you to have a positive look about your life. Let go of negative thoughts and focus on what you love. Most importantly, do not complain about everything. Complaining all the time will only make your situation worse.
Live Your Life
You should not compare yourself with other people. You cannot make it in a similar way to somebody else. Your life is different. Others can only inspire you, but don’t try to be like them because it will only leave you devastated. Avoid bad feelings of things your friends have while you haven’t got them already.
Embrace the Thing You Love Doing
If you find yourself wishing that you could find time to do what you love, then there is a problem. The point is there is no time. Do something you love most on a daily basis.Again, don’t watch a lot of TV. There is always a deception through TV adverts that you should have a certain status. You will always want to feel that you have not lived a good life. These lies will only ruin your life.
Keep the Company of Good People
The people you live with may not be helping you to love life the way you should. If the people in your company are always complaining, then you will be filled with negative energy hence affecting your happiness.
Acknowledge That Life Is Dynamic
Sometimes you may feel the job you are doing is not paying you well. You may feel that you don’t have financial freedom. It is important to know that this situation is not permanent. There is hope for change.
Help People
When you help other people, you will soon stop complaining about your life. There is gratification in helping others.&Be appreciative of the little things you see in nature. Animals, the sky, rivers and plants have beauty to behold.
Be Attentive to What Life Has to Offer
Life has a lot of opportunities. Don’t miss on any one of them. If you keep complaining about life, you will miss out on so many things around you. Don’t wait for a time when you will realize you only spent your years complaining. Seize the opportunity now and positively work towards a happy life.
I'm not doing great at the mo.but reading your comments I take power from that we all get down.There's always someone in your life that thinks your amazing. Life is never easy, and for those that care too much of what other people think it's harder.
So help each other and start a personal chat with a persons comment that spoke to you. It's basically free counselling :-)
NootOct.28 01:19
I saw most of the comments on here. I don't know who all of you are, but I recommended that you go tell someone. I know you might think that if you do tell anyone, it wouldn't matter. But it does! There are people who care about you, even if you don't see it. And killing yourself may set you free, but your loved ones would suffer. Now ask yourself, is it really worth it?
things fall apartSep.29 22:53
I have no reason to hate my life, seriously. Here's the deal, I moved from one state to another when I was eleven. Theoretically, that could be a solid reason to hate my life, but I just moved from one suburb to another and where I'm living now isn't anything to complain about in the least. In fact, I live in one of the most sought after towns in my state and I even have a lot of friends here. I could reason that I hate my life because of school, yet again I couldn't because the reality is I've gotten good grades in school for as long as I can remember and I've never struggled with it too much. My family, as screwed up as it seems sometimes, is actually pretty normal. I've never been beat up, never been bullied, hell, I'm not even poor. So why do I hate my life? The answer is I have not a single clue. Yet here I a lonely, pathetic, sulking, self-pitying, moderately-depressive, angsty teenager feeling more damaged and lost than ever.
Jane doeSep.15 01:09
I am 59. Female. I have been raped and tormented. I lost my husband several years ago. I don't use alcohol or drugs, but God is it hard to keep faith with God. I don't know what to do. I read your comments and I understand the loneliness and sadness. I wanted to commit suicide in May of this year. God wouldn't let me. Why I am still here I don't know. All I can ask is for your prayers and I will keep each of you in mine. Phil 4:4,6-9.
AnonymousJul.12 00:45
I hate my life. I hate my job. My ex cheated on me and left me in a financial mess. I started straightening that out but a new boss took over. He's a bully and watches everything I do. If he was gone my job would be better. I am so stressed out there. The pay is better than anything else I could find right now and I don't want to start from square one again. I'm over weight (100 lbs less than a few years ago) but not skinny. Most men want thin. I've dated but I seem to be a magnet for losers. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I've thought about suicide and I have the means but I fight it every day. I don't know why I fight it but I do. I feel lost.
anonymousJul.6 13:36
I am 24 years old. Never in love or in a relationship. Unemployed and still live with my parents. I tried to find a job since so long but its worthless. I am worthless. Feels like I don't deserve to be live. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I am not enjoying stuff I used to love doing. I love cooking, reading. But now everything seems so weird. I don't want to live anymore. Many times I think about committing suicide. But I guess I don't have courage to do that either. I have a family. But seems like they don't understand what am I going through. I have a big sister. And I don't like being compared to her all the time. About the grades, job, beauty. But I am me. I can't be like her all the time. Many of our family members don't even know my name. I want to escape. Or become invisible. Some times I don't understand why I feel like this. I hate my life.
Dia eJun.30 17:55
I hate my life. I am broke. My fiancé dumped me before our wedding 6 yrs ago. A new love of my life later came and left me 3 yrs ago. My heart aches. 3 yrs later I have finally found courage to date, and no one wants me. They only want to fuck me. I hate my life. I wish I were dead.
AndyJun.21 22:01
I hate my life. 8 years ago I dumped my loving girlfriend for another one. I regretted this almost immediately, because she treated me like shit most of the times, but somehow the new girlfriend is now my wife. She is like two persons in one... most of the time she lives in a world of her own and it makes me feel alone in the world, but when she needs me she comes out and I am always there for her... because I just crave company and I cannot miss the opportunity. We live mostly parallel lives and each one was doing his own thing. One year ago we moved to a new country and one of the main reasons was that I knew we would be forced to build our new life together, so we would be forced to have a common life and cooperate. Things got a little better between us because of this, but unfortunately I was unhappy with my job and I just had to quit. She made my life hell so I managed to find another one. She never worked a day in her life... not even now getting a job to help me does not cross her mind. We could both get some lower-paying jobs with less stress, but no, I had to find a new high-paying job which I hate. Every night I wake up many-many times and am so, so happy that it is not morning yet and that I can get back to sleep. It's like the reality is the nightmare and my dreams are the reality I want. Now I am back in a job I hate and I hope that I will have the balls to quit tomorrow. But that would also mean that our life here is over and we have to go back to our home country. Which means going back to the same old shit as before. She managed to make some friends here and she will forever be hateful and vengeful because of this. She will make my life hell, even more than before. She probably does not even like me and forces herself to be in this relationship because it allows her to not work. I am a wreck because of my current and previous jobs. But she just wants me to continue. Since I moved here I started smoking again after two years of quitting smoking and I started to drink heavily almost every day and to abuse drugs, which even got me to the hospital once. I would expect that someone who lives with me and knows me would understand that thing are very wrong and would try to help me. She just wants me to continue as long as we continue to stay here and she does not need to work.
Most of all, I hate myself because I don't have the balls to kick the bitch out of my life. I'm 35 and I still have many years ahead. I am just terrified of being alone. I hate myself so much for this that I want to die.
I hope that I will resign tomorrow.. but I know that she will destroy me emotionally for this. I am so afraid.
I am such a pussy that I probably deserve all this.
AloysiusJun.21 16:45
I love you Anita and I'm gonna commit suicide since you are no more. My girlfriend's death has made me a failure in Life, my career and to my family and hers. The only remedy is joining her wherever she's at. My life is mesmerized. I'm dying of depression but I really need a means of dying fast and quick but How? When I'm a coward? When I'm scared of the Nemesis of suicidal act? My life is complicated..
LopezJun.13 01:20
I hate my life. Mostly hate myself. I let everyone I love down. I ruined a perfectly good relationship for some guy I didn't know. I ended up pregnant and embarrassing my parents. At just age 16 with the guy I never loved. That was just the beginning, it was now time for me to grow up. My whole pregnancy was a battle with the baby daddy. He ended up moving in with me at my parents house. Only to find out that we would began to fight,fight, and fight. I realized what a big mistake I had made and wish I can go back in time to before shit was so heavy. I would cry some night just thinking about the pass. I had to move on the pass is behind I was now living and moving forward. Things get better when you forgive and move on from what ever is holding you back! As things got better for me once I gave birth to my beautiful son at just age 17. My life was never going to be the same . My life is better I have some thing to live for . My baby daddy and I, aren't all there yet but where getting there. Are bond grows as are son grows ! We have are own place just at 17 (me) him (19) . & a little Honda lol I never thought my life would end up like this . I seriously thought I would be a single mom cause we didn't love each other. I mean he says he always loved me but I was a bitch when I was pregnant ???? Now that I have a son I realized why my parents were the way they were to me. They didn't want to see me struggle. They always want the best for me. I might have not realized cause I wanted to do whatever the fuck I wanted . I thought they never favored me . Your parents love all of you the same ! Some people need to let go of jealously and stop poisoning your hearts. Open up your eyes and ask your self . Why ? Thing first of what you have done not others . Don't hate your life cause of others ! Don't let the little things inpower your life . You better own and live it to the fullest! Let nobody & nothing make you feel less of a person . We are all beautiful and you will find someone. NEVER LOSE FAITH.}