7 Simple Ways To Say “No”
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Celestine Chua of .
Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?
Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.
After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.
Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”
To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:
You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.
Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.
If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” doesn’t mea neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn’t mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.
At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.
7 Simple Ways To Say “No”
Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no. After I began to say no to others, I realized it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.
If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.
1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”
If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.
2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”
It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.
3. “I’d love to do this, but …”
I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).
4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”
This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.
If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.
5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”
If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.
6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”
If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.
7. “No, I can’t.”
The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.
Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.
Celes writes at
on how to achieve our highest potential and live our best life. Get her free ebook &# Things To Do Before You Die” by .
Join a million+ breath-taking readers:From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
For other uses, see .
A person is a being, such as a , that has certain capacities or attributes constituting , which in turn is defined differently by different authors in different disciplines, and by different cultures in different times and places. In ancient Rome, the word
(Latin) or
(πρ?σωπον; Greek) originally referred to the masks worn by actors on stage. The various masks represented the various "personae" in the stage play.
The current concept of person was developed during the
debates of the 4th and 5th centuries in contrast to the word nature. During the theological debates, some philosophical tools (concepts) were needed so that the debates could be held on common basis to all theological schools. The purpose of the debate was to establish the relation, similarities and differences between the Λóγο?/Verbum and God. The philosophical concept of person arose, taking the word "" (πρ?σωπον) from the . Therefore, Christus (the Λóγο?/Verbum) and God were defined as different "persons". This concept was applied later to the Holy Ghost, the angels and to all human beings.
Since then, a number of important changes to the word's meaning and use have taken place, and attempts have been made to redefine the word with varying degrees of adoption and influence. In addition to the question of personhood, of what makes a being count as a person to begin with, there are further questions about
and : both about what makes any particular person that particular person instead of another, and about what makes a person at one time the same person as he or she was or will be at another time despite any intervening changes. The common plural of "person", "", is often used to refer to an entire
(as in "a people"). The plural "persons" is often used in
An abstract painting of a person by . The concept of a person can be very challenging to define.
Main article:
The criteria for being a person... are designed to capture those attributes which are the subject of our most humane concern with ourselves and the source of what we regard as most important and most problematical in our lives.
— Harry G. Frankfurt
Personhood is the status of being a person. Defining personhood is a controversial topic in
and , and is closely tied to legal and
concepts of , , and . According to law, only a
has , protections, privileges, responsibilities, and . Personhood continues to be a topic of international debate, and has been questioned during the abolition of
and the fight for , in debates about , , and in
Various debates have focused on questions about the personhood of different classes of entities. Historically, the personhood of animals, women, and slaves has been a catalyst of social upheaval. In most societies today, living adult humans are usually considered persons, but depending on the context, theory or definition, the category of "person" may be taken to include such
entities as , , or , as well as legal entities such as ,
and other , or
The category may exclude some human entities in
development, and those with extreme mental impairment.
What does it take for individuals to persist from moment to moment – or in other words, for the same individual to exist at different moments?
Main article:
Personal identity is the
of persons through time. That is to say, the necessary and sufficient conditions under which a person at one time and a person at another time can be said to be the same person, persisting through time. In the modern , this concept of personal identity is sometimes referred to as the
problem of personal identity. The
problem is grounded in the question of what features or traits characterize a given person at one time.
Identity is an issue for both [] and .[] A key question in continental philosophy is in what sense we can maintain the modern conception of identity, while realizing many of our prior assumptions about the world are incorrect.[]
Proposed solutions to the problem of personal identity include: continuity of the physical body, continuity of an immaterial mind or soul, continuity of consciousness or memory,[] the
of self,[] continuity of personality after the death of the physical body, and proposals that there are actually no persons or selves which persist over time at all.[]
Geddes, Leonard (1911). .
11. New York: Robert Appleton Company. The Latin word persona was originally used to denote the mask worn by an actor. From this it was applied to the role he assumed, and, finally, to any character on the stage of life, to any individual.
Thisleton NIGNTC commentary on 1 Corinthians "Thinkers in ancient times had a difficulty in expressing the notion of personality"; Barfield in History of English Words “Take, for instance, the word person...Its present meaning of an individual human being is largely due to the theologians who hit upon it when they were looking for some term that would enable them to assert the trinity of Godhead without admitting more than one 'substance'"; John Zizioulas in Being as Communion 1985 New York:St Vladimirs Press p27writes: "although the person and “personal identity” are Widely discussed nowadays as a supreme ideal, nobody seems to recognize that historically as well as existentially the concept of the person is indissolubly bound up with theology"
For a discussion of non-human personhood, see Midgley, Mary. , in Peter Singer (ed.) In Defense of Animals. Basil Blackwell, 1985, pp. 52-62.
For corporations, see , The New York Times, January 21, 2010.
For a discussion of post-mortal personhood, see Roth, S. (2013) Dying is only human. The case death makes for the immortality of the person. Tamara Journal for Critical Organization Inquiry, Vol. 11, No. 2, pp. 35-39.
Cornelia J.de Vogel (1963). The Concept of Personality in Greek and Christian Thought. In Studies in Philosophy and the History of Philosophy. Vol. 2. Edited by J. K. Ryan, Washington: Catholic University of America Press. pp. 20–60
Lukes, S Carrithers, M Collins, Steven, eds. (1987). The Category of the Person: Anthropology, Philosophy, History. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.  .
Puccetti, Roland (1968). Persons: A Study of Possible Moral Agents in the Universe. London: Macmillan and Company.
(2006). . Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson. .
 "". . New York: Robert Appleton Company. 1913.
Korfmacher, Carsten (May 29, 2006). . The .
in Wiktionary, the free dictionary.
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